Why Don’t I Know What I Want?

To my surprise, a lot of people have no idea. It’s not that they had a thousand things they wanted and simply couldn’t choose. Many people would either tell me they weren’t sure or they’d interpret the question as “What do you think is possible?”, “What do you imagine is the smartest thing to do?” or even “What do others around you want?”

And this got me thinking – why is it so hard for many of us to know what we want and how do you get in touch with your own needs again? So today, we’ll start exploring why many of us have lost touch with who we are. Starting with our childhoods.

We learn our needs matter – or they don’t

When we arrive into this world as babies, we are very much in touch with what we want. Food, sleep, cuddles. We don’t know anything about survival – we’re completely helpless. So we have no qualms whatsoever about asking for it, and asking loudly.

But as we grow older, we learn. And what we learn exactly will depend on the people around us. If they meet our needs, we learn that our needs matter. If they hold space for our disappointment or grief when our needs aren’t met, we learn that it’s okay to voice our needs.

But… if our needs are met with distance or punishment, we learn expressing – or even feeling – needs isn’t safe. And the part inside us that’s focused on what we want and need disappears to the background as our survival mechanisms focus on the things that do get us what we need – food, safety, affection, belonging.

Now there’s a reason why life design practices rarely appeal to neurotypical, able-bodied cis straight men with stable and financially secure backgrounds – the sheer idea of not knowing what they want is wild to them – they’ve learned it’s okay to want what they want and they’re absolutely comfortable in feeling their needs – and going after them. But for many of us who aren’t as lucky… well, it’s a slightly different story.

10 ways you may have been taught to tune out your needs

There are so many ways we learn that what we want simply doesn’t matter, from the home you grew up in to culture. For instance, in Dutch, a country that’s relatively very individualistic, we have a saying: ‘Children who ask are skipped.’ What a great way to teach you to keep quiet. But I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s explore some of the reasons you may have lost touch with what you want.

1. You were taught your needs are less important

Some of us have received clear messages that our needs simply don’t matter – or are less important than others’ needs. This is especially true for (sub)cultures and communities where children are overlooked, or where your age or gender plays an important role – especially if you’re a woman (or were raised as one).

The same may be true if you were raised by foster parents or step parents alongside their own biological kids and felt your siblings’ needs were met more often.

I want to be very clear here – just the fact that you’re the youngest, or were raised as a woman, or were raised by someone who isn’t your biological parent, doesn’t mean your needs didn’t matter. There are plenty of households where you may be seen as an individual and allowed and even encouraged to express what you want. Then again, there are also plenty where you’re not.

2. You learned your needs aren’t safe

As the child of a traumatized – and in the last year of his life abusive – stepfather, I learned to be careful with the things I said and how I showed up. You may have had a similar experience. When you’re taught your needs get you in trouble, it’s safer to hide them.

That’s not even taking into account systemic oppression and violence. Safety isn’t distributed equally. If you’re not white – you have likely learned to be extra careful around strangers. If you’re a woman, you know your safety isn’t guaranteed when you’re around men.

3. Your needs were treated as weird or wrong

How many well-meaning parents tell their kid “No, you don’t hate broccoli, you love broccoli”?

And although parents are simply trying to do what’s best, this is a subtle message: “You don’t know what you want. You should trust others to tell you.”

Both at home and at school, you may have been taught that your needs are weird. Maybe you were even gaslit into thinking your needs weren’t real, especially if you are neurodivergent. As neurodivergents, we are generally more in touch with our own needs than with society’s expectations (which is often wrongly labeled as selfish or lacking empathy). As such, you may have found yourself having needs others thought were weird. This is especially true if you have needs around sensory processing. Maybe you absolutely refused eating certain foods or – like me – you wanted to watch a particular Disney movie for about 100 days in a row.

(If you’re a parent reading this, our Kids’ Quest-ions were made specifically to help kids get in touch with what they want. Check them out!)

4. Your needs went against your (sub)culture

The other day I stumbled upon a quote about a B being an ‘Asian fail’ and oh how I related.

As a kid born in Russia, I was taught I was supposed to care about getting perfect grades. On the other hand, I was also taught my special interest in Pokémon cards was wrong – it wasn’t useful enough.

Growing up in a culture – or even a subculture – shapes which needs are considered appropriate or acceptable. Some cultures are more forgiving than others. But even the most free-spirited environments may have expectations that are at odds with what you want – and it impacts how you view your own needs.

5. Your needs were shamed or considered sinful

My partner was raised a Jehovah’s Witnesses. He only left when he was thirty. Jehovah’s Witnesses – as many other dogmatic communities – have very strict beliefs about what’s acceptable. Apart from more mundane needs, this is extra true for anything that relates to sexuality and gender identity and expression. Imagine learning that your needs will hurt you not just in this life, but for eternity. Any survival mechanism would try hard to hide these needs from everyone, including yourself.

If you think this isn’t an issue for small children, well – you’re partly right – some of these topics do become relevant only once we’re older. But even little boys may learn that their wish to wear a dress is a sin, something to be ashamed of while little girls are taught they’re not supposed to get dirty or run around or have their hair short.

6. You were supposed to put yourself at the service of others

In some cultures, who you are as a person doesn’t matter. What matters is your culture, your family, and the way others perceive your family. If you come from a family that places an emphasis on family honor, you may have learned it doesn’t matter what you want – your needs aren’t what matters when it comes to your life choices. You’re supposed to pick a profession and a partner that will make your family look good.

And yes, I agree, being part of a community is important. But in the end, a community is made up of its people, and if we all ignore who we are for some mythical construct – what is it all for?

7. You were taught you owe others

Were you raised by parents who had to (or chose to) sacrifice their own needs for you? Maybe your mother had to give up her career to take care of you. Or your parents are immigrants who have left behind all they know to build a better future for you. Or your parents keep reminding you of everything they do for you.

If you feel like your existence is something you need to repay others for, you may feel like your needs don’t matter – you owe it to others to make choices that will make their sacrifice worthwhile.

8. You thought your needs hurt others

There are the parents that will completely guilt-trip you into thinking your needs hurt them, even if those needs are an expression of who you are. Because how dare you want to play guitar if your mother wanted you to become a violinist?

But there’s a different aspect to this as well. Even if your parents fully encourage you to be yourself and express what you want, you may still fear your needs are harmful. For instance, maybe your parents were worried about money and so you don’t want to put them in a worse position – or make them sad – by telling them about something you want that costs more than they can afford.

Something similar may be at play if you know your parents have a lot of other concerns (work, family, etc) and you decide your needs would only make things harder.

9. Your choices reflect on others

When I switched from polyamory to non-monogamy, it took me a long time to openly speak about it. I didn’t want others to think that just because polyamory isn’t the best choice for me in this moment, it’s not a valid relationship model in general.

If you’re part of the ‘main’ group, you can mostly say or do what you want. There may be consequences but they will be your consequences. They won’t reflect on everyone else.

But if you’re part of a group people are prejudiced against, you may feel like your needs will impact how people feel about the entire group you’re a part of. This is true if for instance you face prejudices based on your heritage – suddenly, you’ll do everything to take away those prejudices, even if it means ignoring what you want.

10. You were kept small

One of my friends grew up in a small village, to a traditional Dutch family. He’d never travelled, never explored anything outside of the village and what it had to offer (which wasn’t much). He was in his late twenties by the time he decided to expand his world and he’s still discovering who he is and what he wants.

If you didn’t have a lot of experiences and the ones you had didn’t work for you, it’s totally possible you have no idea what you want.

Questions to explore

I wanted to continue this blog talking about the way we discard our needs as adults, as well as how we can move forward. But then I saw I’m already at almost 2000 words, so I’m keeping that for another day. For today, I just want to leave you with these questions:

1. Which lessons did your childhood teach you about your needs?
2. How many of them still impact you today?
3. Which ones are you ready to reframe?