7 comments

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  Sky

  3 months ago Reply

  As someone who has been ENM for 18 years and Polyam for 10, and a relationship therapist, I think this article is a really helpful resource and compassionate guide. I look forward to sharing!

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  mplo

  4 months ago Reply

  Plenty of people with ASD and/or ADD/ADHD do a lot of the same things that normal, ordinary people do, and do just as well as a lot of other people do, and sometimes even better. People who are neurodivergent have just as much right to lead normal lives, have jobs and do activities as neurotypical people, and not end up on welfare or charities. Being on welfare and/or charity can suck, and most of the people on such programs hate it with a passion, as well as the right to live where they want to live.

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  John

  6 months ago Reply

  The machinations involved in defining cheating in ENM or open relationships makes my head spin. I was in a relationship with someone who identifies as solo-poly, but in reality they acted more like things were open. I have been a part of many open/poly discussion groups, and have read every relevant book on the topic. At the end of the day, it is up to conesting adults to decide what is right for them. But the entire landscape of ENM/Poly/Open subscibes to some theories that are problematic. One being the topic of “needs.” I have heard this thrown around a lot, but in the large majority of cases the individual is unable to descibe what their needs actually are. As soon as someone has an itch to do or try something else, their partner “isn’t meeting my needs.” In this realm, as long as everyone consents, it is ok for said partner to go get their “needs” met someplce else. And if you aren’t happy, you can always break up. It all sounds fine, until over the years your potential dating pool shrinks, and you are left alone. Where is the introspection into whether your needs are healthy to begin with? Or taking your partners feelings into consideration? And in smaller communities their is this incestuous “wash, rinse, repeat” amongst people that begins to make simple social interactions incredibly awkward. I am still on the fringes of poly and ENM as I navigate todays dating pool, but it is all getting more and more difficult to manage. The attitude that poly and ENM is “evolved” seems less and less the case. Same broken people, just different terminolgy.

  • 

    A

    Marianna

    6 months ago Reply

    Hi John, Thank you so much for sharing! There is a lot to unpack in your post, so I’d like to address the separate points.

    “The machinations involved in defining cheating in ENM or open relationships makes my head spin.”

    To be fair – it probably could be done in a much simpler matter. When I discussed this with my own partner, he said “Oh… For me, it’s just any interaction with others that breaks agreements in a relationship about interactions with people outside said relationship”, and there’s something to say for that, as well (for one – it’s much shorter :))

    “At the end of the day, it is up to consenting adults to decide what is right for them.”

    Absolutely. I think this is true for any relationship dynamic.

    “But the entire landscape of ENM/Poly/Open subscribes to some theories that are problematic. One being the topic of “needs.” I have heard this thrown around a lot, but in the large majority of cases the individual is unable to describe what their needs actually are. As soon as someone has an itch to do or try something else, their partner “isn’t meeting my needs.” In this realm, as long as everyone consents, it is ok for said partner to go get their “needs” met someplace else. And if you aren’t happy, you can always break up.”

    I think this might be different depending on the type of ENM/open relationship. In polyamory, more than in e.g. swinging, there is a high focus on autonomy. This means it’s not so much that everyone needs to consent on one person meeting specific needs elsewhere. Rather, it’s that everyone involved consents with the idea of autonomy, of people having a say about when and with whom they want to meet needs, without needing permission for this to happen.

    “It all sounds fine, until over the years your potential dating pool shrinks, and you are left alone.”

    Could you elaborate on this? What is the correlation with the focus on needs? Or is this a general problem with open relationships in your opinion as the dating pool in open relationships is smaller than in monogamous ones?

    “Where is the introspection into whether your needs are healthy to begin with?”

    I think this is a very fair point. I have written in the past about the dangers of using New Relationship Energy to regulate dopamine, for instance. I think it’s very important to be aware of what needs you have, where they come from, and the best way for you to fulfill them. Sometimes, this may be found in different relationships, and sometimes, the answer lies elsewhere.

    “Or taking your partners feelings into consideration?”

    Again, a fair point. I think this is true for both monogamous and open relationships (for one, I just read a book called ‘How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids’ that’s elaborating on how many men don’t take into account the feelings of women when it comes to a fair division of labor after having kids). I don’t think open relationships of any kind – including polyamory – mean you don’t take into consideration your partner’s feelings. Autonomy does mean your partner does not dictate your behavior, and those are two different things. This is also an absolute necessity in non-hierarchical polyamory (which, many will claim, is the only actual polyamory as opposed to non-monogamy in general): if taking into account your partner’s feelings means you’d act according to what they want, what will you do if you have multiple partners who have conflicting feelings, meaning there is no path forward that would keep everyone happy? The hard balance to find in ENM – and one that’s often overlooked – is the one between autonomy and caring.

    “And in smaller communities their is this incestuous “wash, rinse, repeat” amongst people that begins to make simple social interactions incredibly awkward.”

    This can certainly happen. I don’t necessarily think simple social interactions should become awkward as a consequence (after all, even in monogamy one can be friends with exes and their new partners), as long as the privacy of individual relationships and people is respected. Although I may misunderstand what awkwardness you’re describing.

    ” I am still on the fringes of poly and ENM as I navigate todays dating pool, but it is all getting more and more difficult to manage. The attitude that poly and ENM is “evolved” seems less and less the case. Same broken people, just different terminology.”

    I would never want to state that ENM is more or less evolved. Autonomy often gets mistaken for a lack of accountability and this harms both the ENM image and the people involved in it. In the end, I believe a healthy relationship – of whatever dynamic – involves both autonomy and accountability. This combination may be lacking both in ENM and in monogamy.

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  Krys

  8 months ago Reply

  Love this! Beautifully said. Thanks for putting this out into the world.

• 

  Kate Charron

  2 years ago Reply

  Please let me know when your kickstart campagne launches. Thank you!😊

  • 

    A

    Marianna

    2 years ago Reply

    Hi Kate,

    Thanks for dropping by! We had the campaign last summer and we got funded! You can find the cards in our shop.

    Love,

    Marianna