How to have a conflict without losing yourself

Tell me if this sounds relatable: if you’d come to me for advice about a conflict you have, I’d listen with empathy; I’d try to provide perspective; I’d try to comfort you; I may offer you advice for how to resolve the conflict. But when I’m in the middle of a conflict, things aren’t quite as simple. Sure, sometimes it’s just a conversation. Other times, I’m triggered and I need to work really hard on not lashing out; not engaging in power battles; not dismissing the other person. So why does this happen? Why are we calm and kind one moment… until we’re not? And how can you handle conflict without losing yourself and how you want to show up?

In a bad conflict, you’re not yourself

Like I said, there are two types of conflicts. I don’t think there are official names for them, but you can feel the difference when you’re in them. There are the polite ‘let’s talk about it and find middle ground or at least some solution’ conflicts and also the ‘This is the worst, why is this happening?’ conflicts. And they all boil down to what they’re about. Which is not the same as what triggers them. Now what do I mean by that?

Simply put, it’s about stakes and odds. When there isn’t a lot at stake (maybe a disagreement about where to go for dinner), it’s easy to stay calm and compassionate. When there is a lot at stake, a conflict may still be calm and compassionate, but only while you still feel like the odds are in your favor – you’ll find a solution that’s acceptable to you. Things escalate when the stakes feel high and you don’t think you’ll have your needs met. All of a sudden, survival mode is triggered. And survival mode isn’t about cooperation and finding a solution together. It’s about eliminating the threat to what you need. As soon as that part of our brain is activated, the part that cares about our values, relationships and how we show up takes the backseat.

Conflict reasons vs conflict triggers

Maybe you’ve read the example above about dinner and you’re thinking: “You should see the giant fights my family and I have over that!” Or maybe you have giant fights with your partner about unloading the dishwasher. I remember once having a really ugly fight with my then-boyfriend about the right way to position the cat’s food and water bowls. The stakes don’t seem high, but things still escalate. Why is that?

When a fight seems to start over nothing, then turns really ugly, the trigger is usually only a symptom or symbol of a bigger problem. It’s not what the fight is really about. A fight over places to have dinner may be about being (un)willing to compromise or even bigger things – one’s need for structure vs. the other’s need for adventure. A fight over dishes may be a fight about contributing equally. That fight about the food and water bowls was ultimately a fight about autonomy (mine, not the cat’s).

Knowing what your fight is really about will help you understand why a conflict escalates into a fight and what to focus on as you’re trying to solve it.

Tip 1: Remember you’re not dying

The first step in resolving any escalated conflict is getting back to the person you are when you’re not in survival mode. And that means practicing self-care and calming down your nervous system so you can be your full human self again, not a hunted deer or chased cat.

There are different ways to do this, but they all start with reclaiming your feeling of safety. And while this conflict may be about something so fundamental you can’t fully feel safe until it’s resolved, you can still take steps to self-regulate. Usually though, this first means getting yourself out of the conflict. Taking a break – whether it’s 10 counts or even a few hours.

How to disengage without making things worse

Have you ever disengaged from a conflict, only for the conflict to get worse? There are two ingredients to effective breaks: expectation management and intention.

First, expectation management. When you disengage from a conflict, the person you’re in a conflict with may read this as you not caring about their needs or the relationship (especially if you have a history of shutting down). And while you’re trying to calm down, they’re only winding themselves up even further. That’s why it’s so important to manage expectations when taking a break. I usually do it even when the break is really short: ‘I feel like I’m losing my ability to reason; I need to count to ten, please give me a moment.’

I found that ideally, expectation management means you tell the other person why you’re disengaging (and emphasize you do this so you can handle this conflict in a better way) and you let them know when they can expect you to be back. In an office conflict, this could be: “I need to sleep on this. Can we revisit this after the weekend?” In a fight with a family member, you could say something like: “I notice it’s hard for me to stay reasonable now. I’m going to calm down and call you back in a few hours.”

Intentional breaks mean you don’t just use the break to calm down. Yes, calming down is an important part of it. But if you don’t use this period of calm with purpose, you’ll just go straight back to survival mode the moment you revisit the conflict. In the remainder of this blog, we’ll talk about three ways you can prepare yourself to revisit the conflict in a more compassionate way.

Tip 2: Get back to who you are

The conflicts I dread most are the ones with my kids. With them, I sometimes find it surprisingly hard to be compassionate and kind. What makes these conflicts so challenging is that I’m in a position of power. That means I need to be extra mindful of how I want to show up to be fair. What helps me here – but also in any other conflict I’ve ever had – is remembering who I want to be. If you’ve been reading my blogs for any length of time, you won’t be surprised that for this, I turn to my vision blueprint – a visual reminder of what I want my life to be like.

My vision reminds me how I want to show up. I want to be compassionate. I want to hold space for those close to me. I want to be a solid rock for my people. But I also want to practice self-love and make sure my needs are met. With my kids, when I return to a conflict after these reminders, I may say something like: “I’m sorry I flew off the handle about you not doing your homework even though you said you would. Walk me through why this keeps happening and let’s look at a solution that works for both of us.”

Your values and ways to show up in conflicts may be different than mine. The context may be different, too. Whatever is on your vision blueprint will guide you to stay true to the person you want to be. And it will help you show up in conflicts in a way that fills you with pride, not shame.

(If you don’t have a vision blueprint yet, it’s really easy to make one. I also call them vision boards, but please don’t mistake them for the live-laugh-love-quotes-and-rainbow-stickers kind. In this blog I walk you through making one. In the shop, you’ll also find tons of prompts to help you consider all you could put on yours.)

Tip 3: Remember your goals

Once you remember who you want to be, the next thing to figure out on your break is your goals. You can win the fight and still end up frustrated, broken-hearted or stuck in the same patterns. That’s why it’s important to remember what you’re trying to accomplish. Again, this will be different in different scenarios. I’m going to give you some examples:

• In a romantic relationship: Making your relationship more satisfying
• With your family: Getting everyone to respect each other’s differences
• With your kids: Raising your kids to make smart decisions without you having to hover
• At work: Making sure your efforts are acknowledged
• Fighting for a cause: Getting people to care about the environment

Now here’s something crazy: oftentimes, what it takes to accomplish these goals isn’t the same as proving you’re right.

For instance, I find that shaming people for eating meat usually just makes them defensive. Instead, being friendly and open about my life choices without imposing them often inspires people to be more understanding and even try things they wouldn’t do otherwise.

Ask yourself about the best course of action to accomplish what you want to accomplish. I can’t promise your ego will remain intact, but I can promise you’ll be happy you didn’t let it get in the way of your goals.

Oftentimes, to get the solution you want, you’ll need to mend the relationship. But sometimes, mending the relationship means you’re actually drifting further away from what you want. Which brings us to the next point: setting boundaries.

Tip 4: Set boundaries

Even with the best intent and intentions, you can’t resolve a conflict all by yourself. The other person is part of it, too. Sometimes, the way they show up in a conflict isn’t acceptable to you – maybe they’re raising their voice, calling you names or shifting all blame. Other times, you just can’t be around them without threatening your inner peace. When this happens, it’s time to honor your boundaries.

Prentis Hemphill, author of What It Takes to Heal, defines boundaries beautifully: ‘Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.’ Boundaries aren’t about forcing your will onto someone else (“You need to do as I say”). They’re also not about punishment (“I will stop talking to you so you feel the full force of my anger”). They are about taking the distance you need to stay sane.

Taking your distance may look like leaving a conversation. It may also look like restructuring or even leaving the entire relationship.

A boundary may look like telling your grandma: “I will not listen to you criticizing my partner. The moment this happens, I will end the conversation immediately.”

But it may also look like telling a friend: “I don’t like the person I become when I’m around you. I don’t want to stay in this friendship.” Or even deciding: “Working here means I have to compromise on my integrity. I quit.”

(If you’d like help with setting yours – check out our Boundary Launchpad)

Whichever boundaries you want to uphold, make sure your ultimate goal is preserving your inner peace. That’s why it’s so important take some time off. It gives you a moment to pause and reconsider: what is it that you want in your life? What’s the best way to make it happen? And what boundaries do you need to honor so you don’t lose yourself?