How to Tell if You Should Stick With Something or Just Give Up

A few years ago, my partner and I went to a motivational talk by an ex-navy. The ex-navy told us: “Keep going! If you feel like you can’t go on no more, your body is only at 40% of its capacity to endure!” My partner took these words to heart when training. Now, he’s recovering from an injury after having pushed himself too hard.

(They say ‘Every dead body on Mount Everest was once a highly motivated person’ and I’m just grateful he’s into running, not outdoor climbing.)

Then again, if you quit at the first hurdle, there’s only a handful of goals you’ll be able to reach.

So if you’ve been working on something and working hard, and you just can’t get where you want to be (whether with work, your relationship, your health, or anything else) – how can you tell whether you quit or keep going?

Let’s unpack!

Is this still the right goal for you?

The trick with goals is that we usually don’t reach them overnight. Some goals may take months, years, even decades. You keep your eyes on the prize, but meanwhile, you change. And you’re too busy working to reach your goal to stop and question whether it’s still worth it.

When I work with others using the vision-based living approach, this is the first thing we do to figure out whether someone is still heading in the right direction. Back to the drawing table. Back to the vision. What’s important to you in this moment? Where does this goal fit in? Is it still worth pursuing or is it like what IT calls legacy – outdated work that’s actually tripping you up when you work on creating what matters to you now? (This is precisely what our Vision Cards are designed for: helping you get clear on what’s right for you in this moment, not what you wanted when you first set the goal.)

And let me be honest about something. Acknowledging that your goals have changed is scary, I know. What about all the hard work you’ve already put in? Is it all for nothing? Shouldn’t you just stick with it? Maybe it’ll get better!

You can stick with it, sure. But if that nagging voice in the back of your head is telling you this isn’t right for you, trying to make it work will usually only prolong the inevitable. And trust me, that voice will find a way to make itself heard. And it’s not going to be pretty.

The goal vs the craving

Important sidenote: a goal is not the same as a craving. You may crave something on almost a physical level, making it near impossible to resist, even though your vision and your fundamental goals are still the same. A great example of mistaking cravings for goals is what we know as the midlife crisis –chasing the high, often at the expense of everything you’ve worked for.

If you hear that voice in the back of your head asking you to change course (and maybe by now it’s screaming at you), breathe. That’s not a metaphor. The very first thing in figuring out what’s going on is regulating your nervous system. If you’re primed for chasing (or running), it’s near impossible to make a wise decision. So – breathe. Deep breaths. Try to get to the place of calm before you do something drastic.

Once you feel your capacity to make rational decisions return, ask yourself: this new thing I want, this course change I’m considering… What’s behind it? Sometimes, you’ll discover it’s not really about the thing you crave. It’s about unfulfilled needs and this new shiny thing is just a means to an end. If that’s the case, you may still choose to pursue it. Or you may choose to meet your needs in a different way.

Taking the time to figure out what’s going on sounds boring (especially when the new and exciting thing is beckoning), but that’s how you make sure you stay in line with what you truly want.  

The goal may be right, but what about the path there?

Sometimes, you’ll find that your goal has changed. Other times, you’ll find it’s still what you passionately (or quietly) want. But if that’s the case, why does working towards it feel so hard?

If your direction isn’t the problem, the path you’re taking might be.

And when it comes to the path you’re taking, there are two things to pay attention to:

1. Are you enjoying yourself?
2. Is it getting you closer to your goal?

I was born in Russia and Russian culture is one of performance and results. If you’re not going to excel at something, don’t bother. I grew up firmly believing there was no point for me to explore sports that require strength, or dances that require a sense of rhythm, since I had neither. I was well in my twenties when I came to the not-so-shocking realization I could do something just for the fun of it, even without making much progress. If you’re enjoying yourself, maybe it’s okay to just keep doing it, whether it gets you closer to your goals or not. But if you’re not enjoying it, there are two questions to ask yourself: is it worth it and will it change?

Is it worth it?

Sometimes, doing something you don’t enjoy may pay off. I love being a business owner and that means sometimes doing boring tasks that help me reach my goals. Incidental paperwork feels like a small price to pay for having the freedom that comes with being my own boss. Besides, while I’m not keen on doing paperwork, I don’t hate it, either. The benefits are so much greater than the costs!

But it’s also possible you’re doing something you hate with a passion. Something that drains you so completely, no amount of benefit can make up for it.

Or you’re doing something only mildly annoying, but it doesn’t seem to pay off. Maybe you’ve been going to the gym to build muscle, but you’re still at the same level you were 6 months ago.

When the things you do cost you more than they get you, it might be a sign you’re ready to stop and do something else instead. But before you throw away everything, there’s one question to ask yourself: will things get better?

When things can get better

Sometimes, starting over is the easiest and most true thing you can do for yourself. Other times, you don’t have to – you can make things better without quitting what you’re doing. Divine intervention and dumb luck aside, there are two ways life gets better:

The first is when you’re making progress. Coaches in any niche will have you believe they have the magic way for you to reach your goal. You just need to do X, Y, Z, and within weeks, you’ll make it! Real life is often different. We start from scratch and it takes time to see results. It takes time to repair broken trust. It takes time to be able to run a marathon. It takes time to launch a business. If you notice that things get better, remember you’re not stuck where you are. I passionately hated the first times I had to go on camera. And the times after that. And the ones after that. But… I did see progress. Every time, I felt a bit less nervous. My delivery was a bit smoother. I wasn’t anywhere near good, but I was getting better. And as it’s getting easier, I find myself hating it less. Sometimes having fun with it. So I’m sticking with it.

The second is one we most often forget: things get better when we get smarter about doing them. And that often means asking for help.

Do you need help?

Sometimes, things are hard and bad because we’re trying hard but not doing it the right way. My teen spent countless hours trying to make sense of his chemistry book, but in the end he had to find someone to explain molarity calculations to him, and now he’s making lots of progress. More importantly – he likes it better, it’s less draining.

Sometimes we work really hard on something, but we don’t know the best or most effective way to do it. That’s the moment to look for outside help. This could be a professional, or just someone you know who’s already where you want to be. (There’s a reason AA programs work with sponsors.)

Just because you’ve been doing something for years, doesn’t mean you’ve been doing it in the easiest, most effective or most fun way. Or simply in the way that makes most sense for your skillset and personality. Don’t be afraid to reach out and ask for help. Sometimes, it may seem like you’ve exhausted all options when you’ve barely even scratched the surface.

Don’t settle

If you’re questioning whether to quit something (a relationship, a job, a practice) or keep going, you need to figure out whether the good outweighs the bad. If staying is worth it. When you do, keep in mind that while staying may turn out alright, leaving may turn out amazing (then again, it may not). The question is: will staying make you happy in the long run? When I was deliberating leaving my marriage, I confessed to a friend that I wasn’t sure whether I’d be happier in a different relationship. My friend shrugged: “That’s the wrong question. The right question is, will you be happier by yourself?” Realizing even the best version of my marriage would still feel like settling, I decided to leave.

Don’t be a martyr

There’s a psychological trap we tend to fall in and you’ve probably heard of it: the sunk cost fallacy. It’s a concept originating in economics. Basically, when we’ve already spent a lot on something, we don’t want it to be for nothing. So we stick around, spending more, and more, and more. And the more we spend, the less we’re willing to call it quits.

But if something isn’t bringing you joy, the costs outweigh the gains, and you don’t see it changing any time soon – quitting is the smart option. Just because you can endure, doesn’t mean you have to. Find a summit you’ll actually enjoy climbing. I promise, it’s a better way to spend your precious energy.