How Do I Take Responsibility Without Beating Myself Up?

If you’re someone who isn’t afraid to reflect on their own behavior (and Odder Being readers usually aren’t), you’re no stranger to accountability. You’re willing to admit to your part in whatever’s happening to you. You acknowledge your choices and how you show up. The only problem – when you always try to take responsibility, it’s easy to feel like everything is your fault. And though you probably instinctively know that’s not true, it’s still hard to find the right balance.

So, let’s unpack!

Responsibility, accountability, fault and blame

Before we talk about ways to take responsibility without shouldering all the blame, let’s get clear on a couple of words we often use interchangeably. Responsibility. Accountability. Blame. Fault. Once you understand the difference between the four, we’ll discuss a specific situation that highlights how this plays out and what this means if you want to take responsibility (or is it accountability?)  

So, responsibility. When you’re responsible for something, you’re the one who has to make sure it happens (or doesn’t happen). You may be responsible for a project at work. For your cat. For filing your taxes. A critical part of responsibility is that you’re in charge, your choices impact the outcome. In that sense, you’re responsible for feeding your cat, but you’re not responsible for making sure your cat never gets ill.

You may think accountability is similar to responsibility, but they’re actually quite different. Accountability means acknowledging that your choices – and by extension actions – have consequences. Sometimes, you’ll intend the consequences, or at least expect them. Other times, you’ll never see them coming.

Note that both with responsibility and accountability, your intention doesn’t matter. You may have the best of intentions only feeding your cat chocolate, but if the cat gets sick, that’s still your responsibility. One might even say you’re at fault.

Speaking of fault… When you’re at fault, you’re doing something that’s ‘wrong’. Again, ‘wrong’ is subjective, so whether you think you’re doing something wrong will depend on your personal values (and how they relate to each other). And since everyone’s values are different, someone may think you’re at fault while you disagree (or the other way around).

Finally, when we blame someone, we believe that they are at fault (doing something wrong) and that they are responsible. We can blame them, even if we believe they had no intent of hurting us. For instance, if someone gets distracted while driving, it’s totally possible you blame them for the dent in your car, even if you know they didn’t mean to bump into you.

Accountability, responsibility & blame in daily life

Let me give you an example of a conflict from my experience. I use a parenting example here, but you can easily sub this situation for something with your partner, co-worker or even a random stranger.

I often help my teens with their homework – making schedules, reminding them when a project is due, and helping them prepare for upcoming tests. But sometimes, things don’t go as planned. I’ll focus on something else and forget to check their school app. Things fall through the cracks. My teens get a poor grade. Sometimes, they’ll get angry: if only I had reminded them in time, if only I’d worked harder to help them. How do I take accountability for my part of the situation, without taking all the blame?

Let’s start by looking at responsibility. Is it my responsibility the kids do their homework? Unless I commit to it, the answer is no. It’s not my homework and there is no reason why I should be in charge. Besides, I’m not even in control – there’s only so much I can do!

Still, I can take accountability, by acknowledging what I did and what consequences this had. A possible consequence: my kids assume if something needs doing, I’ll remind them. When I’m ready to take accountability, it helps me understand how my choices and actions shape reality. And that’s a prerequisite to change. And there is more to it – explicitly owning my share in the situation helps others feel seen and heard.

Am I at fault? That depends on whom you ask and what matters to this person. You may think it’s my fault because one of your beliefs is ‘parents need to make sure kids do their homework’.  You may also think it’s not my fault: ‘children are fully responsible for their own schoolwork’. You may even have conflicting beliefs about it. It’s taken me some years to update my beliefs, but right now I believe parents don’t have to be on top of everything that goes on at school, so in this case I wouldn’t be at fault.

Note that although I’m taking accountability, I’m not taking the blame. Not only do I think I’m not at fault here, I also don’t think I’m responsible. The distinction between accountability and responsibility is an important one, as we’ll see next.

Watch out for shifting responsibilities

A key part of taking accountability is that you don’t absolve others of theirs. Oftentimes, people will ask you to take accountability, but will try to use it to absolve themselves from their own accountability or responsibility. In the example of my teens, this may sound like ‘I failed that test because you didn’t remind me.’

Depending on your relationship with the person, there are ultimately three ways to navigate shifting responsibilities.

The first one is addressing it. I may say something like: ‘I understand my behavior had you assume I’ll always remind you when something needs to happen. I’ll course-correct. That said, please note you’re holding me responsible for an assumption on your part. Although I understand what happened, I believe you are the person responsible for checking any assumptions.’

The second one is restructuring your relationship with this person. When you’re dealing with someone who constantly focuses on your part in the whole but isn’t willing to take accountability themselves, sometimes the best way to protect your boundaries is just by leaving.

The third one is one I really need to mention here: if the person doing this has some sort of power over you – physical strength, financial power, or something else – you’re likely dealing with an emotionally abusive relationship (think of relationships where one partner acts out and then blames the other partner for ‘making them this way’). Try to find a professional who will help you get out, but meanwhile, above all: stay safe.

Accountability and consequences

If you decide to take accountability for something you did, the next part is figuring out whether you want to do something about it.  Maybe you want to apologize or make up for what you did in some other way. Maybe you decide that a simple explanation of the situation is enough.

Repair is not a mandatory part of accountability. It’s tightly tied to what’s important to you. Let me give you an example. Imagine, I see a parent hitting a child. I may step in and do what I can to protect the child. In the process, I might well hurt the parent’s feelings. And while I take full accountability for that – yes, my actions did hurt the parent – I may be unwilling to make amends.

Compassionate accountability

When it comes to whether or not I’m willing to work on apologizing or other ways to repair, I like using the concept ‘compassionate accountability’. Compassionate accountability means that I acknowledge my actions have consequences for other people, even if I didn’t intend them. For instance, if I misgender a person, although I’d do it entirely unintentionally, the person may still feel hurt. I have a few rules of thumbs when it comes to the repair:

1. I regret the consequence of my actions. Again, this is not about whether I’m regretting the actions. Example: I do the laundry and end up washing earbuds that were still in one of the pockets. I don’t have to regret doing the laundry (or even not checking the pockets), I can still be sorry for the broken gadget.
2. Any repairs on my side will be proportionate to my actions. For instance, if I misgender someone, I’ll apologize. I will not commit to doing their household chores for the remainder of the year.
3. There is a balance in taking accountability. While I’ll take accountability for my actions whether or not the other person does the same, I’ll only make repairs if the accountability goes both ways.

Your quick guide to taking accountability

Next time you wonder how you can take accountability without having everything be your fault, remember:

1. You can take accountability for something you didn’t intend
2. That doesn’t mean you’re responsible, at fault, or to blame
3. It also doesn’t absolve the other person from their responsibility and accountability
4. You may choose to repair the consequences of your actions, if you choose to
5. If you’re always the only one taking accountability, maybe it’s time to honor your boundaries.

Accountability is about being real with yourself and others. It’s about acknowledging the impact you have on the world. And ultimately, it’s about autonomy. Made softer by compassion.