You met at a party and only had eyes for each other. A magical night, a date, then another one. You really like them and they definitely like you too. They send you sweet texts and want to introduce you to their friends. But after a while, maybe a few weeks, maybe a few months, doubts start creeping in. A cute habit becomes annoying. The sweet texts feel suffocating. They want to make plans for the weekend and you catch yourself wanting to do something else. Without them. And – as the two of you are still so fresh – you start questioning the entire thing: surely you wouldn’t be tired of them if they’re really good for you?
True, losing interest can be a sign this isn’t the right relationship. Or it can be a sign of something else entirely.
What does pulling away from your partner look like?
Let’s start with the signs, just so we’re on the same page. We’ve already discussed a few, and here are some more.
(Quick sidenote here – in the following examples and throughout the blog, I use the word ‘partner’, but this may be just someone you’re dating, without putting a label on it.)
- Minor things about your partner start to annoy you. The way they’re holding a book when reading. How their nose twitches when they laugh. Their nickname for you. You try to not let these things bother you, but the harder you try, the more they do.
- The first weeks, you can’t get enough of each other. But now, when your partner wants to make plans for the weekend, you just don’t feel like hanging out.
- Your partner talks about their feelings for you and you feel trapped – you don’t want to hurt them, but you’re not at all sure you feel the same way about them as they do about you.
- Suddenly, you start missing all the things from before you were dating. Like maybe back then, you hated meeting new people, but now you find yourself fantasizing about it.
- Whenever your partner brings up future plans (not at the level of getting married, more like going to Italy together this summer), you feel non-committal. You’re not at all sure you want to make plans together.
- You may even start sabotaging – doing things you (sometimes subconsciously) know will hurt or disappoint your partner.
These signs are our brain pulling the brakes: take it easy, maybe don’t jump into this relationship. Get some distance! The key question: should you listen?
Your brain just wants to protect you
Your brain is primarily wired for one thing: your survival. And as such, it wants to do a stellar job in helping you get the things that are good for you. Including finding the right mate(s). But, like a well-meaning parent, your brain may get overbearing, too. You know those parents who feel like no one is ever good enough for their child? That’s exactly it. And – as an adolescent who claims their independence – it’s your job to listen to your brain’s advice without following it blindly.
Nervous system in the lead
Your nervous system isn’t rational. It’s a lot like AI, making predictions based on the data it was trained with. And, like AI, if the data it’s trained on is skewed, it becomes biased. When you have a history of painful relationships or even abuse, especially with those you got vulnerable with, your nervous system predicts future relationships will be the same. And since relationships don’t feel safe, it starts creating distance to keep you safe. But since it’s trained on fairly limited data, it doesn’t always do a good job predicting whether something’s actually dangerous. If 100% of your past relationships were unsafe, but you’ve only had two, well… the third one might very well be loving and amazing (especially if you’ve done the work to process what went wrong in the ones that hurt you).
(Pssst… If you like how this piece moves…
…you’ll probably like the newsletter too. Give it a shot & keep reading!)
Childhood scars
We’ve touched on this one in our blog on anxiety, but in case you missed it – the way we experience love in our childhood (especially our parents’ or caregivers’ love) determines our beliefs about love in romantic relationships. Is the message that we can fully be ourselves, our needs are met, and we don’t have to take care of our parents – they take care of us? Then love feels like a safe haven (and when it doesn’t, we walk). But for many of us, the lessons are different. We learn to hide some parts of who we are, magnify or even fake others. And love becomes a survival game.
There are many ways that parental love may shape you, but since this is a blog about pulling back, let’s discuss what may cause this particular attachment style.
Kids are very explicit in their emotions. When they want something, they say it. And even before they know how to talk, they’ll express their needs, often through crying. Unfortunately, not all parents have the energy, resources, or skills to respond in a safe and loving way. Some parents see crying as a defect or a weakness and ignore it as much as possible or even get angry. Others just aren’t comfortable with emotions. As a result, you stop depending on others for your emotional needs and develop what psychology calls ‘avoidant attachment’. As an adult, you don’t feel the need to rely on others either, and when someone gets close, it might feel confusing and threatening.
On the other hand, you may also have parents who were attentive to your needs, but either unpredictable in their responses or demanding in the emotions they expected from you (this happens a lot when a kid takes on a caregiver’s role). The result may be fear of intimacy in relationships, a so-called ‘disorganized attachment’ where you both crave closeness and shy away from it.
Autonomy matters
Even if your childhood was perfectly fine, you may just be wired for autonomy, literally. Depending on how your brain works, you may be more attuned to those around you, subconsciously craving to be just like them, be part of a pack. But other brains prefer independence and doing their own thing. This is especially true for those of us who are neurodivergent.
If that’s you, you may well want a relationship, but not if this means changing your existing behaviors, patterns, and preferences. What might feel like a small and entirely acceptable compromise to someone else (for instance, what show to watch), to you may feel like you’re losing yourself.
What if this relationship is just wrong for you?
The tricky part with an overbearing brain: sometimes, a relationship really is wrong for you. A close friend of mine had a history of dating women and getting disappointed in the first few weeks. Ignoring comments from those around him, he kept at it. It took him years until he found the one, but now he’s in one of the most committed and beautiful relationships I’ve come across. So how to tell whether you’re stuck or just not willing to settle? Or even more complicated: both?
Finding out what works for you doesn’t start while you’re in a relationship. In fact, that’s a pretty difficult time to be level-headed about it: your entire system is flooded with all sorts of hormones, many of them deliberately aiming to make you feel a-ma-zing, no matter whom you’re dating.
That’s why the best moment to get clear on your relationship needs isn’t in the middle of a dysregulated nervous system. It’s when you’re feeling grounded and calm. (If you are in the middle of something, that’s okay – you’ve got to start somewhere! But try to do this when you’re at least relatively calm.)
Designing your relationship blueprint
Pick a moment to contemplate your perfect relationship. Don’t think in possibilities yet, allow yourself to dream – what would it be like? But here’s an important caveat: don’t just imagine the most fun relationship; imagine the kind of relationship that would help you be the person you want to be. Now why do I say that? Sure, it might sound fun to have a partner who caters to your every wish while you do as you please, but do you really want to be the person who only takes and doesn’t give anything in return? (Those who answer ‘yes’ usually aren’t stumbling upon psychology-themed posts, so I’m fairly confident yours is ‘no’.)
So imagine your perfect relationship in detail. What would it be like? (If you don’t know where to start or if you get stuck, check out our Vision Cards for Your Relationship. You’ll get almost 50 prompts to zero in on your exact needs.)
Then, focus on the parts that are non-negotiable – without these things, you can’t imagine yourself being happy. This is not a one-size-fits-all! Some people couldn’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t want a house full of pets. Others can’t imagine being with a partner who doesn’t want to travel the world.
The blueprint you create this way will help you compare what’s going on in a relationship with your actual needs. Is there a mismatch or are you focusing on small things, even when the big things are aligned? It will also help you set boundaries around the things that really matter to you.
Pay attention to hindsight
Ending a (budding) relationship may be totally valid, but there’s a very specific pattern to those who do so as a consequence of trauma or past pain: regret.
The thing with a dysregulated nervous system is that you may well crave distance, but you crave intimacy, too. So while you’re trying to keep yourself safe, you also yearn for the person you’re distancing yourself from, especially once they move on or otherwise distance themselves from you.
If you find yourself pulling back and then wishing you hadn’t, missing this person (not just being with someone, anyone), second-guessing your choices – there’s a good chance you’re pulling back for the wrong reasons.
Breaking patterns that hurt you
If by now, you have a strong suspicion the problem is with your nervous system, not your relationships, you may wonder where to go from here. The good news: healing your nervous system is hard work, but it’s possible (and worth it). If you can afford it, consider consulting a therapist (in particular IFS therapy may help you process what’s shaped you in a self-compassionate way). Even if therapy is a bridge too far, here are some things you can do:
- Build awareness. While it’s very hard to spot triggers as they happen and you’re in survival mode, it’s a good idea to reflect on what’s happened and whether you can spot any triggers that led up to it. Maybe you’ll notice it’s particular behaviors that frighten you, and maybe you’ll even feel your initial thoughts or feelings. The more you become aware of the way you respond, the easier it’ll become to spot nervous system dysregulation when it happens.
- Practice acting from a calm mindset. We tend to forget: for 99,9% of the relationships, you don’t need to make a decision right away. If you’re feeling panicky, it’s probably not the best moment to break things off. Give it a few more days. Make sure you’re in a good place, mentally. Then decide.
- Talk about it with safe people. Getting vulnerable might be scary, it will also help you work through things. And if the person you’re dating is a safe person, explaining your behavior may help them understand when you’re withdrawing or even sabotaging.
Truth is, not all relationships are right for you and it’s totally okay to be picky. But you don’t want your survival mode to take the lead and mess up connections that could have made you happy. Acting from your relationship blueprint will help you make choices that are aligned with what you really want. Your goal isn’t to stay around, even when it doesn’t feel right. It’s to understand why something feeling off and make choices that really serve you.