Am I Anxious or Just in the Wrong Relationship

You’ve been up all night, worrying about your relationship. You constantly worry they don’t love you. They’re going to leave you. It’s been hours since they answered your last text. Your head is painting one doom scenario after the other. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt calm and safe in this relationship and you wonder whether this is what it should feel like. Whether the problem is you or your entire relationship. Let’s get to the bottom of that.

What is anxious attachment?

My first encounter with attachment theory was nothing short of magical. I was in a relationship rollercoaster that left me in a state of constant anxiety. I’d just had lunch with my partner and he was distant. After lunch, I jumped on my bike to go see a friend (this was in Amsterdam, we do everything by bike), passing a book case with second-hand books right outside a small vintage shop. As I was biking past, my eyes fell on a title: Attached by Rachel Heller & Amir Levine. I still don’t know why this particular spine, in the middle of a bookshelf, in the middle of busy Amsterdam, stood out to me, but it did. I turned my bike around, went inside and bought it. It turned out to be exactly what I needed to make sense of what was going on in my relationship.

Anxious attachment is a coping mechanism

In this book, Heller & Levine explain the basics of attachment theory: the way we have relationships as adults is shaped by the way we experienced our very first relationships: those with our parents/caregivers. If our caregivers were stable and predictable adults who we could rely on to meet our needs, we’d form a secure attachment. We’d learn that intimacy is safe and we wouldn’t be afraid others could leave us.

Unfortunately, this reality isn’t what many childhoods are like. Many parents – especially in the pre-internet era, parents who didn’t have online wisdom at their fingertips – act out their culture, personal traits and other issues in the way they raise their children. One way this can manifest is through parents whose caregiving depends on their mood – sometimes, they may show up, other times, they are distant and unavailable. As kids, we’re vulnerable, and being left behind is a real threat. To cope with this threat, many of us develop so-called anxious-preoccupied (commonly known as anxious) attachment – one possible attachment style that’s essentially a survival mechanism intended to make sure we’re not left behind.

(Before we go deeper, if you’re in that 3am spiral right now, our Anxiety Emergency Kit exists for exactly this moment)

Self-fulfilling prophecy

When you’re anxiously attached, you subconsciously pay very close attention to any potential sign that your partner may leave and you constantly seek their reassurance. And guess what? Threats are literally everywhere. If you try hard enough, pretty much every phrase or act can become a sign your partner is done with you. And as you seek more and more reassurance, there is a real chance your partner actually does get fed up with the situation, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. This validates your belief that your fear was based in intuition and was justified, so you start paying even closer attention to signs in future relationships. And so the cycle continues.

Attachment style drama

Now if we’d be purely rational creatures, we’d make decisions based on what’s good for us and what makes us feel happy. We’d leave relationships (and other situations) that don’t work and trust that something better is out there. But, as a popular meme states, we’re essentially ghosts driving a meat-covered skeleton made from stardust, so we may be forgiven for not always being rational. One example of this is us relying on a particularly surprising coping mechanism: favoring what we know.

Oftentimes, the unknown feels more threatening than an objectively unpleasant or even dangerous ongoing situation we’re familiar with. After all, we’ve survived this situation so far, so that must mean it’s relatively safe, right?

This is exactly what tends to happen for people with insecure attachment styles (including anxious-preoccupied attachment). Although they are terrified of people who are distant and don’t meet their emotional needs, those people are exactly what they know and become who they tend to fall in love with, triggering all of our subconscious fears. Often, this means attracting avoidant-dismissive (commonly known as avoidant) partners.

When anxious and avoidant meet

Avoidant people have their own drama to deal with (one that warrants its own blog), but the gist of it is this: they learn that intimacy and love aren’t safe. So the closer they get to someone, the more they feel like something is off.

Now, imagine what happens when a person who’s constantly scared of being abandoned and seeking reassurance has a relationship with someone who feels unsafe the closer they get to someone else. In fact, if you have one of these attachment styles, you probably don’t have to imagine – you already know. The avoidant person becomes more and more distant, the anxious one more and more clingy. Up to the point where one of two (usually the avoidant person) can’t take it anymore and pulls the plug.

So if right now, you realize this describes your relationship to a tee, you may start googling ‘How do I become less anxious’, hoping this will salvage your relationship. And while generally a good idea, there’s also a catch: just because you’re anxiously attached, doesn’t mean that’s the main problem.

Signs your relationship is off

To explain this, let me give you a simple example. Imagine a student doing their best to learn for a hard test about the French Revolution. They learn for several weeks, but decide to take one night off to just enjoy themselves. The next day, they do the test and find themselves unable to answer any questions. What they don’t know, is that the teacher gave them the wrong test, aimed at students further along in their program. This student mistakenly concludes: the problem is me! If only I’d studied harder, hadn’t taken that night off! But the truth is: no matter how hard this student would have worked, they weren’t the problem.

It’s the same in relationships. Generally speaking, being clingy and constantly seeking reassurance doesn’t do a relationship much good. But if your relationship feels off, this may or may not be related to your attachment style. So before you stick around thinking the problem is you, I’d urge you to explore the following questions:

1. Are your needs being met? Set aside your need for reassurance, we each have our own needs in relationships. Maybe yours is to go on elaborate scavenger hunts together each weekend. Now just because you have certain needs, doesn’t mean your partner is obliged to make sure they’re being met, but if your needs consistently aren’t met, it’s a good idea to consider whether this is the right relationship for you. (Not meeting your needs doesn’t necessarily make your partner a bad person; you might just be incompatible)
2. Does your partner do things that are threatening or harmful to you? Even though your partner may be acting out their own traumas, doesn’t mean they’re absolved from responsibility. If your relationship is literally unsafe, for instance because your partner is stealing your money or abusing you, that’s on them – your attachment style is not an excuse for harming you.

And here’s the most important question:

• Imagine the issues that are caused by your anxiety completely resolved (but only these particular issues). Is the relationship that’s left the kind of relationship you’d want to have? Or would you still feel like something’s missing (possibly: your happiness)?

What if I’m anxious and this relationship is wrong for me?

Sometimes, you’ll find out that yes, your attachment style is a problem, but it’s not the problem. Your relationship doesn’t serve you and healing yourself won’t fix that. If that’s the case, you have a decision to make. Do you believe it possible to fix your relationship without either you or your partner having to compromise on the most important bits of who you are and what you crave? If yes, your next steps are to untangle what’s wrong or missing and work together to fix it. If you don’t believe you and your partner could be truly happy together, parting ways is an often painful but ultimately most gentle way to honor what each of you needs.

Healing your attachment style

Regardless of whether you choose to stay in your relationship or leave, healing your attachment will help you make decisions that truly serve you. It’s a long journey, certainly not something you can do just by reading the closing paragraph of this blog.

Once you start exploring where it all began, you may also uncover deeply painful memories you’ll struggle to make sense of. If you can afford it, finding a good therapist to guide you through the process is a really good idea.

If you want to go down the path of healing (whether with a therapist or by yourself), it’s also important to remember that attachment is pretty much wired into your system – it’s tied to the animalistic part of your brain that is focused on survival, so you can’t just reason your way out of it. Apart from a basic understanding of attachment theory, don’t get too hung up on reading and understanding – try to seek out tools to rewire your nervous system for safety. This may involve a more physical kind of therapy, as well as hypnotherapy or integration therapies like IFS (internal family systems).

Most importantly, when you’re anxious, you tend to look at your partner to be your safe space. Learning to become your own safe space, whatever happens, is one of the most effective ways to reassure the anxiety inside. After all, you can never be sure a partner won’t leave, but you may find it in yourself to trust that whatever happens, you’ll be there to see yourself through it all.

Next steps

Ready to start working through your anxiety? We’ve got a few resources waiting for you:

• In this blog, you’ll find tips to manage your anxiety and regulate your nervous system
• Want to go deeper with tips, exercises, reminders, and more? Our Anxiety Emergency Kit will help you through those sleepless nights
• At the core of becoming your own safe space is your ability to meet your own needs and that starts by knowing those needs. One way to do this is by making a vision board. In this blog, you’ll find a step-by-step guide.