Say no! Honor your boundaries! Match energy & let go of relationships that feel like effort! As more and more people have found themselves burned out or struggling with depression, self-help’s increasingly become all about helping you stop people-please and live your best life. You’re no longer supposed to stick around in environments that don’t contribute to your well-being. But if you care about others, it may also have you wondering: what happened to caring about others? And how can you tell the difference between people-pleasing and kindness?
What people-pleasing is (and isn’t)
Both people-pleasing and kindness may look exactly the same: you do something to make someone happy. But what makes telling the difference extra tricky is that both may feel good to you, too. And as both make you feel good, you may even wonder: well, why wouldn’t I people-please?
There are two main reasons for people-pleasing and knowing which one you’re prone to do (or acknowledging you do both) will help you figure out what’s going on for you.
One reason we want to please others is because we want them to like us. We want to show them we’re cool, nice, worth being around. And then there’s also the stuff we want to avoid. We don’t want them to get angry or disappointed. We don’t want them to think we’re difficult. We don’t want them to attack us (verbally or physically), or we don’t want them to leave us.
The other reason is slightly different and it’s got more to do with who you are at your core. If it’s hard for you to be in touch with what you want, you may focus on what others want (or what you think they want) as a way to keep yourself busy. Not knowing what you want may feel really uncomfortable, especially if you’re by yourself. (In fact, this is where a lot of people try to feel the void by binge-watching Netflix, endless gaming, or even spending all their time working.) Caring for and about others and their needs is an amazing way to distract yourself from caring about yourself.
Now both of these reasons have one important thing in common. Did you notice it as you were reading them? Both of them aren’t really about the other person. They’re about you. Paradoxically, even if oftentimes, people-pleasing leads to self-abandonment, you ultimately do it for your own benefit.
What people-pleasing may look like in your life
As a quick side-note, people-pleasing may take different forms. For some, it’s about saying yes to any request, even if this request contradicts your own needs or plans. Can you work overtime to meet this project’s deadline, even though you were supposed to have dinner with a friend? Yes. Will you drive across town to pick up your friend at 4AM because they don’t want to spend money on a cab? Yes. Will you quit the job you love to support your partner in theirs? Yes, yes, yes.
This type of people-pleasing is usually easier to spot because – even though you neglect them – you are aware of your own needs and the contradiction there. But there’s also sneakier types of people-pleasing.
The other type of people-pleasing is where you say ‘yes’ because you don’t really care (much). It’s the kind of people-pleasing where you always let others decide. Where should we go for dinner? You’d enjoy a pizza, but if the other person really wants Thai – sure, let’s do that. You kind of want to go to Paris, but your friend really wants the two of you to go on a beach holiday, so yeah, why not? This people-pleasing is harder to spot because it doesn’t seem like you’re abandoning yourself. You just don’t have an opinion, you’re just being easy.
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How we learn to people-please
The problem with people-pleasing (as opposed to genuine kindness) is why we do it. Unlike with kindness, it’s a survival strategy and usually the consequence of what you’ve learned about relationships in your childhood.
If you’ve experienced abandonment, you may fear you’ll get abandoned again. Being left behind is dangerous for small kids – they need adults to survive. And while you may well be in your 20s, 40s or even 70s by now, odds are your brain never caught up and is still willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people stay.
If those who were supposed to take care of you were violent – towards you, towards each other, or even towards other people – you may find yourself paying close attention to make sure you don’t provoke any anger. The odds of your boss attacking you if you politely decline their request are usually slim, but your brain may be unable to make that difference on an emotional level.
If for some reason, your caregivers weren’t willing or able to meet your needs, especially if you’ve noticed your needs causing problems, you may have learned to keep your needs down. All the way down, to the point where you’re unable to feel them. Feeling your needs never felt safe, so instead, you’re focusing on others’ needs.
And then there’s your brain wiring. Depending on how you’re wired, being in touched with what you feel and need may come easier or harder.
What about kindness?
Now that we’ve elaborated on people-pleasing, what about kindness? Is it even possible to be truly kind?
Sure. But kindness comes from alignment.
Where people-pleasing is about either not knowing or ignoring your own needs, kindness matches your own needs. It matches your vision for who you want to be as a person and what you want in your life.
Most of all, kindness matches your priorities. And yes, this may mean you prioritize someone else’s needs above yours in a certain situation. The difference is that you do it mindfully and with good reason.
When I just met my partner, nine years ago, I was literally keeping my schedule open so I could say ‘Yes’ to whenever he wanted to hang out. Part of it was so he would appreciate me. The other part was me using our dates to fill a void I was feeling when he wasn’t around. Neither reason was because it felt aligned to put his schedule over mine. That’s people-pleasing.
These days, I’ll still check in with him when making plans. I may still adjust my plans when I believe there’s an important reason to do so. The key here is that I look at my priorities and plan accordingly. Sometimes, this means I say ‘no’ because my priorities clash with what he asks. But of course, he’s a priority, too, as is our relationship. So usually, I’ll make an effort to plan in a way that also works for him. To me, that’s kindness.
Am I people-pleasing or being kind?
What makes all the difference if you want to be more mindful of your people-pleasing is getting your vision on paper. Your vision – or life blueprint – is essentially a visualization of your priorities. Who do you want to be? What do you want your life to look like?
By creating your own vision board, you make the effort to really connect with your own needs. As a consequence, you don’t take the easy way out by just latching onto whatever someone else wants. That doesn’t mean you always want to have things your way, it just means you make a conscious trade-off. (If getting in touch with your needs feels like a challenge, here’s an entire blog dedicated to figuring out what you want)
Once you have your vision on paper, here’s a quick test to figure out whether you’re people-pleasing:
Does this thing you said ‘yes’ to oppose your vision?
If spending time with your family is a big part of your vision, it might make a lot of sense if you say yes when your cousin asks you to babysit. It’s kind and it aligns with what you need.
If you want to take the summer off for traveling, saying ‘Yes’ to a work project that will require your presence throughout July is people-pleasing, not kindness.
If you’d love to go to a concert – and doing more fun things for yourself is on your priorities list – but your kid has a school recital and being present as a parent is also high on your list, you may choose to go to the recital and that’s not self-abandonment. (And prioritizing being present as a parent is kindness).
The more detailed your vision board, the easier it will be for you to figure out whether something is a good fit. (And if you want to go real deep, check out our Vision Cards)
Mindful people-pleasing
In an ideal world, you’d never have to people-please and you could always do what feels aligned with your vision. In the real world, your priorities may contradict each other and how you treat others will have consequences.
That’s why sometimes, even knowing something is people-pleasing, we may go ahead and do it anyway. After all, even in adult life, we sometimes have to keep ourselves safe.
You may choose to say yes to your boss asking you to work late to avoid losing your job.
You may stay friendly to a creepy guy to avoid violence.
That’s okay. The key is to be honest with yourself: why do you do the things you do? And when you notice yourself people-pleasing – ask yourself: are there relationships or environments in your life that make you abandon your own needs time after time? And if so – what steps could you take to honor your own boundaries?