Why You Can’t Make Yourself Change (Even When You Know What to Do)

You may remember we’ve identified 4 steps between the present and the change required to make your life better:

1. Recognizing any issues or challenges we’re facing right now
2. Knowing what we’d like instead
3. Really wanting the change
4. Being able to actually make the change

In our first blog, we discussed the first two reasons why change is hard (and ways to stop self-sabotaging). Today, let’s talk about the last two steps – going the distance between knowing what you want and actually making yourself change.

Do you really want the change?

In high school, I used to listen to bands like Linkin Park and Bon Jovi. Unhindered by my total lack of musical proficiency, I wished I could play the guitar. I even bought one. Very quickly, I realized playing the guitar was actually hard. And so, my guitar remained put up on the wall, unused. Which didn’t stop me from saying I really wished I could play the guitar.

Fast forward some 15 years later, something changed. I no longer wished I could play the guitar. Instead, I wanted to learn playing the guitar. I actually took up guitar lessons and practiced, ignoring my numb fingers.

There’s a big chasm between wishing for something and actually wanting it enough to make it happen. And it’s a difference we’re not always aware of, especially when we use the words interchangeably. Let me give you an example.

Maybe you’ve been stuck in the same, boring job for the last 10 years, and you absolutely hate it. In fact, you wish you could have your own business. And yet… This is something you’ve been saying for the past few years, and every single time there’s a reason for you not to follow through. And every single time, this reason is more important than actually quitting your job.

No judgement. Prioritizing other things is totally valid.

But in the end, that’s what really wanting things is about. It’s about prioritizing.

Even if you have all the money in the world, nobody has unlimited time and energy. So you need to choose what comes first. The things we put first are the things we truly want. The rest are things we may love, enjoy, even crave… But we don’t want them enough to sacrifice what it takes to chase them. Of course, we don’t have this problem when we advise others about their lives. For one, we not always consider what it would take for someone to pursue this particular path in their life. We hear them about their passion for dance and we encourage them to take dance classes, even though this leaves them less time to unwind and recharge from their busy day. We encourage them to end that relationship, but we’re not the ones who have to deal with the emotional fall-out during the break-up. So yes, part of it is us not having the full picture. But the other part actually does place us in a great position to offer advice. And that’s because we’re not inhibited by fear.

How high is the cost?

When you’re stuck in a situation, you’re stuck for a reason. Sure, the situation may be unsatisfying, stressful, even life-threatening… But it’s also familiar and it has its advantages. We touched on it in the previous blog: while you’re in a situation, the cost to get out (and the risk of this cost) might feel a lot higher than it really is.

Maybe you absolutely hate living in the big city and you’d much rather move to the countryside, but in your mind – uprooting your entire life and having to resettle, find a new job and a new community, having to adjust, is just too much of a burden. These are all valid concerns.

They’re also temporary.

The discomfort of most change is temporary (and of almost any change, the initial discomfort is the worst).

Meanwhile, the benefits may be lasting, especially if it’s about making a decision that could impact the rest of your life.

Tool: Fear Inc Consultancy

Fear is an incredibly useful thing to have in your toolbox. It’s a sign that you are or may be in danger. It keeps us from doing reckless things that may cause serious harm.

It’s also a lot like AI in that it does a great job hallucinating and then advising us based on what it imagines to be true, rather than evidence-backed reality.

So it’s important you use your fear the way you use AI – by accepting that it exists and being mindful of how you deal with its advice.

I like thinking of fear as a consultant. Consultants have valuable experience and their advice may help me make better decisions. But in the end, I’m the one able to evaluate their advice against my goals and real world. And I’m the one who’ll have to face the consequences of my decisions. As we’re the ones who have to live with the choices we make, whether we decide to listen to our fears or not.

For this exercise, treat your fear as something that’s a part of you, but that’s not actually you. In fact, picture them as a consultant, a risk-manager. What does your consultant look like? What’s their name? (Mine looks like she’s been stuck in the office for too long and her name is Esther)

Now, every time you need to make a decision, engage with your consultant. Ask them what risks they see and how serious each risk is. Write down what they say. Thank them.

Then, take a break. And only once you feel calm, evaluate the advice. Is it advice you’re going to take? Might your fear be misguided? Only you can tell!

(If your Fear Inc is part of Anxiety Corp, maybe our Anxiety Emergency Kit is a good fit. It’ll help you understand what’s going on in your mind and body, and regulate your nervous system when your mind starts spinning)

Do you have what it takes?

Change in theory is always a lot simpler than change in practice. Most of the time, even if we know what we want and we’re positive we really want to change, we miss certain skills, tools, or resources to actually make the transition, and do as quickly and effectively.

Imagine I live in the Netherlands (I do) and I want to travel to Rome, but I don’t have a car or a plane at my disposal, nor anyone who can take me, nor even a map. I might just start walking, but (even if the old adage that all roads lead to Rome is true) it may take me very, very long, if I even get there at all.

And that’s the final gap between advising others and taking your own advice. Just because you know what’s best, doesn’t mean you can act on it. And just because someone else is able to act on your advice, doesn’t mean it’s equally easy for you to do the same.

In order to put your own advice to use, you need two things:

1. The knowledge, skills and resources to make it happen
2. A solid assessment of the ones you have and the ones you need

Knowledge. Skills. Resources.

If taking your own advice had been easy, you’d have already done it. If you find yourself knowing what to do but not doing it, start with an inventory. What would help you make the transition (assuming you want to)?

1. Do you need more time and energy, and if so – what’s something you could sacrifice to create space?
2. Do you need more knowledge or skills, and if so – is there a program you can take, a person you can ask to teach you, a book you could read?
3. Do you need money? Could you save up, look for people willing to help you make this happen, or find ways to lower the cost?

Surprisingly, the biggest challenge here usually isn’t getting the right resources. It’s having a realistic idea of what you have and what you need.

Tool: Smart Assessment

Remember how I said we tend to overestimate the costs of a change? Well, that results in overestimating what we need to make it happen. And there’s an extra defence mechanism at play here – our consultant from Fear Inc may pretend we need all these extra resources just to discourage us from acting. That’s why it’s so important to not take its words for face value but actually get the evidence of what you need and what you’ve got.

For this exercise, you’re going to do some research.

First, write down something you’d actually want to change.

Second, research what it would take to make this happen. For instance, if you want to go viral on TikTok, research what kinds of videos go viral and what skills or equipment you’d need to make them.

Third, list specific evidence from your own life detailing what you already have to make it happen. For instance, consider past behaviors you’ve shown or ways to get creative with your time. Once you can’t come up with anything else, detail the evidence for the things you lack. (‘I need to have a good video camera and I don’t even have a smartphone’).

Now, you have a more objective plan for what you need. This may not seem like much, but having this plan will make you much more aware of any opportunities to get the exact things you need to do what you want to be doing. Before you know it, your plans will be reality. Meanwhile…

Be your own best friend

Giving others – and yourself – advice is lovely, but what’s even more important is unconditional support. These posts have focused on helping yourself actually take your own advice, but you don’t always have to encourage yourself to change. Sometimes, it’s okay to just listen to your thoughts and fears, give yourself a hug, and tell yourself it’s all going to be okay.