Why Is It So Hard to Follow Your Own Advice? (Part 1)

See, between where we are right now and the change that would make our life better, there are a few steps.

1. Recognizing any issues or challenges we’re facing right now
2. Knowing what we’d like instead
3. Really wanting the change
4. Being able to actually make the change

And in most of these steps, being an outsider is often – surprisingly – easier. In this blog, let’s discuss the first two steps and figure out why it’s easier to give advice than follow it, but more importantly – how you can help yourself the way you help others.

“I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it”

Alice in Wonderland

What’s the reality you’re in?

Every change (unless it’s accidental) starts with an acknowledgement of where you’re at. You hate your boss (or clients). You lie awake at night. You can’t remember the last time you had sex and you miss it. You don’t have time for the things you love. And so on. They all boil down to the same conclusion: You’re not happy with (some) things the way they are.

But somehow, it’s easier to see these truths for what they are when it comes to others.

Too little or too much awareness

One reason why this happens is the bird-eye view. When you’re emotionally involved with something, it’s harder to look at it clearly. Either we get so wrapped up in our frustration, anger, or sadness, that we forget to look at the role we play in this situation, or the other way around: once an issue is resolved, we act as if everything is perfect and pretend there is no problem, even if it’s a big and recurring problem we’ll almost certainly have to deal with again. Meanwhile, for others we tend to be more aware of repeating patterns (as well as isolated incidents), especially because we can step away from the moment and review what’s going on in its full context.

But if you care about taking your own responsibility and growing as a person, a trickier and sneakier problem lies in wait: being too aware of the full picture. Yes, your friend is constantly taking advantage of you, but surely it’s not their fault – because of upbringing, circumstances, genetics, or trauma – and surely you could handle the situation differently, as well? This ultra-awareness of any defects in your own behavior may make you blind to reality: that whether or not it’s anyone’s fault, the way things are isn’t working for you. Again, this is easier to spot from the outside as your mind isn’t trying to consider every possible nuance to the situation.

Your tool: Get things on paper

It’s hard to chase your thoughts. Your ego will want validation and hyper fixate on your side of the story. Your self-awareness will do the opposite and try to save the status quo by listing all the things you could do to fix it. And it’s that much harder to be objective about the whole thing.

So don’t keep it all in your head. Grab a journal and start making notes. If you feel like your job is draining you, this can be as easy as keeping a mood tracker at the end of every work day, including 2-3 things that stood out to you. Over time, you’ll start noticing patterns and your view of reality will be grounded in actual data.

The truth may be scary

Realizing we’re not happy isn’t exactly easy. It’s bad enough our ego (the part of us that wants to feel validated for doing things ‘right’) feels threatened and tends to go full-denial-mode, but what’s worse is the realization that something may have to change. I remember taking a workshop on relationships five years back or so. The person teaching me said something I thought was very profound:

“The reason some people don’t attract people who keep hurting them, is because they don’t tolerate that kind of behavior.”

And even as I felt the truth of it, I also became utterly aware that I wasn’t yet willing to become that person – the cost of it felt too high. When we’re in the middle of a situation, we tend to overestimate the cost (the loss of what we know!) and underestimate the benefits of the change.

Tool: safe place for honesty

Imagine being a kid and getting a D for a history test. You come home and your parents ask you about it. Are you more likely to tell the truth if your parents are compassionate and helpful, or if you know they’re going to punish you? That’s a rhetorical question. It’s easier to speak the truth when you feel safe, even when you’re simply admitting the truth to yourself.

For this practice, try promising yourself:

1. I know that admitting where I’m at takes courage. Whatever I’ll admit, I’m not going to punish myself or blame myself for being there. I’m going to be compassionate, the way I’d be compassionate with my best friend.
2. Acknowledgement doesn’t equal action. I’m going to allow myself to take any time I need to go from realization to action. I’m going to be patient and I won’t push myself to do something I’m not ready for.  

Now, start practicing living up to these two promises. If you’re struggling, simply put these two promises on a piece of paper and look at them whenever you need a reminder.

What do you want?

It’s hard to imagine what you don’t know. So even as you know you’re not happy with the way things are right now, you may feel stuck in how to change something in your life for the better. When we help others, we can rely on our lived experience. We lean on what we know to be possible. Much of it is based on the lessons we’ve learned ourselves or have witnessed others go through. But in our own lives, we’ve often already applied the things we know to be possible. And we get stuck, either when we don’t see the solution to a particular challenge, or – even more often – when we do imagine solutions, but don’t believe that we can make them happen.

Sometimes, what’s behind our dismissal of a solution is self-abandonment. For many of us, it’s easier to believe others deserve happiness and good things. Of course, they are allowed set clear boundaries with their parents to protect their mental health. But for us to do the same, we’d think of ourselves as selfish.

Other times, we don’t believe we have what it takes. Yes, your friend is definitely talented enough to start their own business, but you could never do it.

Imagine you may not know best

The sad part is that we often dismiss where we’d like to end up, even before admitting it to ourselves. We’re so convinced we’re the right people to judge what we can or can’t do, we keep our dreams small. But the truth is, a big part of this self-judgement isn’t objective. It’s rooted in assumptions, fears, and insecurities. With others, we tend to focus on the potential. With ourselves, on the limitations.

The reality is that allowing yourself to envision what you truly want leaves you with the space to explore possible solutions and ways to grow. And maybe, for some goals, you’ll end up concluding you don’t want to pursue them. But you’ll also discover some dreams are less out-of-reach than you might think.

Tool: An ever-changing vision board

We have an entire blog post dedicated to figuring out what you want. But putting it simply: One of the key tools for getting clear on your life blueprint is creating a vision board. This is not the same as making a colorful paste-up from quotes in inspiring magazines. Rather, it’s checking in with yourself about the different things you’d like for your life and visualizing them on paper (and don’t worry, you don’t have to be a skilled artist to do so). And if you’d like some prompt to get you started, that’s exactly what our Vision Cards are for.

Next up: wanting change and making it happen

Another thing about being deep into personal growth is that we tend to read a lot, have tons of aha-moments, then get overwhelmed and forget to integrate them. So we’ll save steps 3 and 4, wanting change and actually making it happen, for the next blog. For now, if you found yourself having an Aha moment in the course of this blog:

Pick 1 thing you’re going to implement based on what you’ve read and actually schedule it.

And of course, if you haven’t done so yet, sign up for the Odder Being newsletter so you don’t miss out on the second part of this blog!