How to Figure Out What You Want (When You Have No Idea Where to Start)

You can’t know what you don’t know

An infographic for how to figure out what you want in a simple cartoon style with three panels, titled "Developing Your Vision" in a yellow box at the top, followed by a teal banner with the text "Signs you want something". The three panels show scenarios labeled with different feelings: Panel 1 is labeled "Wishing you could do that" and shows a person on a sofa holding a remote and watching another smiling person on a television screen, with a thought bubble above their head saying, "I wish that was me...". Panel 2 is labeled "Feeling excessive frustration" and shows two individuals standing facing each other, one with a thought bubble saying, "Why does that bother me so much?". Panel 3 is labeled "Feeling impatience for action" and shows a person seated on a chair, holding an open book, with a thought bubble above their head saying, "Just do it already!". At the bottom of the infographic, there is the centered text, "Your feelings know. You just have to listen." followed by the website, "odderbeing.com" preceded by a copyright symbol.

If you had to summarize all self-help content ever in one line, it would be something like ‘Just do what feels right’. Follow your heart, be true to yourself, stick to your integrity. Which is all wonderful (and true), but not as easy as everyone makes it sound. Because the underlying assumption is that you know what you want, you’re just not doing it. And while this is true for many of us, for others, it’s a little bit more complicated. So today, let’s talk about ways to figure out what you want, especially while you’re trying to keep up with your real-world commitments.

Not knowing what you want is normal

First of all, I need you to know that not knowing what you want isn’t weird. It’s perfectly normal. Yes, even if everyone around you seems like they have it all figured out. Even if they really have.

The truth is: we don’t all start from the same place in life. Some of us grow up with parents who encourage exploration. Who want us to try as many new things as possible and discover what we want. Who are equally comfortable with you spending your entire day in the library and climbing trees. And who will support you whether you choose to become a plumber, a doctor or a stripper.

Most of us aren’t so lucky. We’re raised in cultures and religions that tell us exactly what we’re supposed to think, say, and do (or at the very least what we’re definitely not supposed to do). We’re raised by parents who carry their own stress and traumas, sometimes to the point where we need to pay careful attention to keep them happy, just to stay safe and loved. Even with the best intentions, our parents often only want what’s best for us. They just don’t trust us to figure that out for ourselves. Or we’re raised in busy, stressful households where parents simply don’t have the resources (time, energy, money) to truly listen to our needs. They try their hardest, but for all intents and purposes – our needs don’t matter.

Now here’s the thing: if for whatever reason, you never got to experience what’s out there, it’s really hard to figure out what works for you. Meditation, journaling, contemplation, even vision board exercises: they help you figure out what’s already there. But you can’t know what you don’t know. If throughout your life, you’ve only known one thing, how are you supposed to do something different?

(In fact, this is exactly why for many of us, the yearning for happiness starts with watching someone else do something we didn’t think of as possible. Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat, Pray, Love, said many women saw her book as a permission slip: ‘Oh! It’s okay to get a divorce and try to find what works for me!’ I was one of these women.)

There’s also a different side to this: when you don’t know what you want in life because you want so many different things. Instead of not having enough data points, it feels like you have too many. We’ll talk about that specific challenge in one of our next blogs.

Whichever reason is keeping you from knowing what you want, the answer is the same: exposing yourself to new experiences and paying attention to how they make you feel. Which is exactly what we’ll talk about next. (No, this doesn’t have to involve you traveling the world or dating dozens of people).

(Pssst… If you like how this piece moves…

…you’ll probably like the newsletter too. Give it a shot & keep reading!)

Exposing yourself to new experiences (while real life keeps happening)

I would love to tell you to just quit your job, put all your commitments on pause and – with an unlimited budget – go try new things for the next 12 months. I also suspect you’d laugh in my face. Most of us simply don’t have that luxury. The money. The time. The health. And that’s totally okay. We can still expose ourselves to new things when resources are tight. We just have to get creative about it.

One thing about exposure is that you don’t have to try everything yourself (what’s more – you can’t). Back when you chose your first college major or profession, you likely picked an available option from the professions you knew. You didn’t have to try all of them first: you could watch other people, listen to their stories, then base your choice on that. You still can. The key is to expose yourself to people you relate to.

I quit my corporate job at age 27 after meeting an artist couple that had total freedom running their own creative business. It’s not that I’d never met business people before, it’s just that it never felt like something I could actually do. This couple was unlike other business people I knew – not in it for the money, passionate about their craft, with a background similar to mine. That made all the difference. The ‘I want that’ feeling was my first step towards a different life. And in true domino-style, on the heels of my newly found freedom, other friends decided to follow suit.

But even if you’re an outcast in a village of people perfectly happy to do the same thing, you can still expose yourself to other realities. Your best friend? Stories. Remember Belle in Beauty and the Beast? ‘There must be more than this provincial life,’ she sings after reading books packed with adventures. Books, TV shows, even social media can all show us things we’ve never considered before. It’s like in the example above, with Eat, Pray, Love, becoming a permission slip. The more you expose yourself to different life paths, the more likely you are to come across something you’d want. The next step is recognizing when it happens.

Signs you’re on to something

Before we move on, let’s just acknowledge this one thing: truly figuring out what you want is scary as hell. Because… what if what you want isn’t what you have right now? And what if – in order to get what you want – you need to start making changes? The more you’ll have to give up, the harder it becomes. The part of you that just wants security and approval doesn’t want you to upend your life. And it won’t let go without a fight. It will do everything it can to defend the life you currently have and keep you safe.

So let’s see if we can compromise with that part. What if you agree to be radically honest with yourself, but you also cut yourself some slack: you tell yourself you don’t have to act on it if you choose not to? That way, you at least get to truly discover what you want. And once you do… you can take it from there.

Now once you give yourself permission to acknowledge anything you may want, no matter however frowned upon or difficult, it’s time to pay attention to signs.

Sign #1: Longing

The most obvious sign is that feeling of ‘Wow, that’s amazing, I wish I could have that!’ You may feel it when watching a movie or when a friend tells you about their weekend. If you do, ask yourself: what is it about this experience that you’d want and what’s behind that wish? For instance, maybe your friend tells you about an art exhibit and you realize you’d also like to spend more time getting inspired by others’ brilliance. Or maybe you read a book about a psychologist and realize you want more meaning in your work.

Sign #2: Jealousy

A sign that’s often less easy to accept is jealousy, sometimes even manifesting as resentment or annoyance. Culturally, we’re encouraged to suppress any jealousy or annoyance we might feel. But what if you’d allow yourself to really examine it? Is there any part of the other person’s behavior or life you’d secretly want as well? Maybe it’s their confidence, their sense that it’s okay to advocate for their needs, or their belief they deserve more? I remember feeling a lot of resentment towards a cocky colleague who’d mislead our clients. It took me years to acknowledge that part of my annoyance was rooted in jealousy: while I definitely didn’t want to manipulate or lie, I did want to be better at office politics.

Sign #3: Frustration

Finally, a third sign is frustration. And again, this may apply to real life as well as fiction. Ever watched a TV show and thought “Just stand up for yourself already” or “Ditch your jock boyfriend for the cute nerd”? Frustration points us towards what we wish would happen instead. When you feel frustration, ask yourself: what is it truly about? And is there anything in your life it might also apply to?

(If you’d like more structure in exploring what you want, with less relying on random encounters, check out the Odder Being Vision Cards – 90 prompts asking you about what you want so you can go and find out.)

There are tons of other signs out there, such as relief and admiration. Pay attention to what you feel – your feelings will point you in the right direction.

Keeping track of your desires

Not to discourage you, but figuring out what you want often takes time. It’s not something you do in 2 hours. More importantly, as you change the things you want will change as well. It’s an ongoing process, and that’s okay.

Consider keeping a journal to keep track of the emotions you notice and what they point you to. What happened? What did you think about it? Did you feel it somewhere in your body? Pay attention to your senses: does your body clench or relax? Do you feel an ache or tension somewhere? Do you feel warm or cold? If you feel scared, is it the kind of fear you’d feel before riding a roller coaster – scary but exciting?

You can also turn your observations into a vision board. Using images with your feelings will help your brain process and remember the things you want in your life. After a while of paying attention, you’ll start noticing patterns. Signs of what works for you and what really doesn’t. Maybe you’ll even allow yourself to try something new and see how that feels. Then a second time, and a third. And one day, the question ‘What do you want?’ will stop feeling scary. You’ll know.