What Are Relationship Boundaries (and How to Set Them)

Interestingly, research on assertiveness and boundary-setting consistently shows the opposite: when we set boundaries clearly, we tend to have more stable and satisfying relationships. So while scary, learning how to set (and enforce) relationship boundaries properly is one of the best gifts you can give yourself to actually get your needs met and form bonds that really work both ways.

Why setting boundaries feels so hard (even when you know you need them)

If you’re still reading, odds are you believe you could do with better boundaries. Maybe you’ve spent years pouring your energy into your partner’s dreams and they still don’t seem to care about you. Maybe you’re always the one on duty to help your team meet impossible deadlines. Or maybe you spend your whole day answering the dozens of messages on your phone from people who need something from you, whether advice, practical help, or just a listening ear.

Unfortunately, setting boundaries isn’t something culture has taught us to do. Quite the opposite, actually. Culture and community thrive on people working together, so instead of taking care of ourselves, we were taught to contribute and to be of service (and in a patriarchal society, this is even more true for those of us who were raised as girls.) We got the message, but we missed an important part: collaboration shouldn’t come at the cost of personal peace. A community can’t thrive if everyone in it is miserable.

And for many of us, these cultural expectations are enforced through trauma. Many of us grew up in households where our needs weren’t heard or respected¹, where kids were expected to be seen, not heard. We may even have learned early on that putting others’ needs first is the only way to be safe, psychologically and/or physically².

It’s not surprising we bring those lessons into our adult lives and our relationships and use old coping mechanisms that no longer keep us safe and instead exhaust us. And often, having spent our entire lives focusing on others, we aren’t even aware of our boundaries in the first place.

Why boundaries and connection aren’t opposites

When you’re taught from a young age that taking care of others is your biggest duty, taking care of yourself may feel… selfish. You may feel that boundaries will stand in the way of building deep, loving, and caring relationships. Worse, if you subconsciously seek out relationships that mimic the ones you had in childhood, the people you relate to may fuel this fear. They may respond with anger or disappointment when you don’t anticipate their every need. The (luckily) healthier truth is that boundaries and connection aren’t opposites. In fact, good boundaries are absolutely critical for true, loving and meaningful connections.

Setting good boundaries is a great way to surround yourself with people who want the best for you, not just what’s most convenient for them. You know how when you love someone, you want them to be happy and taken care of? Well, the same applies to those who care about you – they also want you to take care of yourself, connect with them in a way that makes you happy and not overstretch yourself. Such mutual caring is a great starting point for true connection. And don’t worry that having boundaries will make you less compassionate. Vulnerability expert Brené Brown found that people with firm but kind boundaries are actually more compassionate because their empathy is rooted in genuine care, not a sense of obligation.

On top of that, when you know your boundaries and communicate them clearly, it’s easier for others to trust you. They can ask things and be themselves without having to worry about overstepping and burning you out or having you resent them for asking too much. They can rest in the knowledge that they don’t have to mind-read: you’ll take care of yourself. As a result, they can truly be themselves around you, another prerequisite for connected relationships.    

So what are relationship boundaries, really?

Here’s a tricky thing with boundaries: one reason why it’s so hard to have them honored is because we tend to confuse them for other things. We tend to frame our boundaries as expectations or requests (‘I want you to do this’, or: ‘I don’t want you to do that’), rules (‘You can’t do this’) or punishments (‘If you do that, I’ll stop talking to you for a week’). We then get upset at the other person for not doing what we want them to do. But the problem is that none of the examples above are what boundaries are all about: taking responsibility for our own inner peace.

Therapist and author Prentis Hemphill put it best: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously”. Boundaries are the limits you communicate and/or enforce that help you take care of yourself and protect how you feel without resentment for the other person. Imagine a bright flame burning. Boundaries are like finding the exact right spot where you feel the warmth of the relationship, but protect yourself from getting burned.

In short, when you set and enforce boundaries, you make sure you connect with someone in a way that works for you. You’re in charge of how you’re willing to engage: how often you interact, in what ways and under what conditions.

The biggest distance decides: when needs don’t match

One thing that confuses many people with boundaries is how to deal with conflicting needs. For instance, you’d like your date to respond to your texts within an hour and they only want to text after office hours. The key here is to remember: needs and boundaries are not the same. A need may be to get a reply within the hour, but if the other person needs more ‘distance’ than you do, their boundary comes first.

With that said, boundaries often influence each other. So if one person’s needs aren’t compatible with the other person’s, the other person may reconsider their own boundaries. In the example above, if it’s absolutely critical for you to have your date respond to your texts within an hour, you may set the boundary of not dating people who aren’t okay with doing that.

(Keep in mind: Your goal with boundaries is to protect your inner peace, not to punish the other person into compliance. Additionally, when you examine your own boundaries and the experiences, values and beliefs they are based on will help you set healthy boundaries that are rooted in self-care, not trauma.)

What boundaries actually look like in practice

When it comes to your relationships, whether they’re romantic, platonic, or even professional, boundaries can take different forms. The keys: they’re always about you, they’re clear and they’re non-negotiable (that’s why they’re boundaries!) Here’s what this may sound like.

“Mom, I’m not available to talk on the phone this week. I’ll call you when I can really be mentally present for our conversation.”

“Honey, I understand you’re upset, but I’m not willing to stay in a conversation where I’m yelled at. I’m going to leave the room and we can revisit this when we both feel calm.”

“When I’m out of office, I don’t take work calls. But if you send me an email, I’ll answer any urgent questions first thing in the morning.”

Note how all of these boundaries describe exactly what you’re okay with and what you’re not okay with. None of them are apologetic or ask for permission. And they don’t ask the other person to do anything, they just kindly let them know what you will (or won’t) be doing.

Setting boundaries like this (and actually enforcing them!) may be scary and you may experience pushback, especially from those who are used to you sacrificing your own needs to meet theirs. If you’re looking for a place to start, check out our Boundary Launchpad, a quick tool to help you get clear on your boundaries and start setting them right away. Meanwhile, be gentle with yourself: becoming proficient at boundaries takes time and practice. The more you give yourself both, the closer you’ll get to that elusive inner peace.

1. This is even more true if you were a neurodivergent person raised in a neurotypical household. If you’re ND, this blog post on ND communication may be a helpful read. ↩︎
2. If you grew up in a place that was unsafe, you may notice yourself shutting down when trying to talk about difficult things. We address this (and ways to move forward) in this blog on shutting down. ↩︎