Why Do I Shut Down During Arguments? (And What to Do About It)

The science behind shutting down

Our rational mind is a great tool for day-to-day decisions. It helps us file taxes, plan meals, and create all sorts of cool things. But it has one big disadvantage: it’s slower than our instincts. Back in the days, when facing a threat in the woods, we didn’t have the luxury of deciding on the best course of action. By the time we’d weigh all pros and cons, we’d already be someone’s dinner. Which is why in those moments, a different part of our brain would step in and pretty much instantly decide on a course of action.

Now depending on the threat – and you likely know this already – we’d either decide to fight, or – if our brain didn’t like our chances of survival – we’d run as fast as our legs would carry us. And oftentimes, this would work just fine. But every now and then, we’d find ourselves facing threats that were both stronger and faster. And unable to resort to our usual tactics, we’d try one last thing: we’d freeze and hope our threat would think we’re dead.

While this coping mechanism actually had a chance of working out when facing a lion, it’s not particularly effective today. For one, although our brain can’t tell the difference, a lion will likely kill us, while a partner asking us to do more around the house won’t. More importantly, freezing might make a lion lose interest, but your partner will only get more upset. While you’re in full survival mode, they’re likely telling themselves you’re punishing them or don’t care about their feelings.

What’s more – they might feel they just need to explain better, to finally get through to you. But the more you’re under pressure, the more the conflict escalates, the harder it becomes to be the loving partner you want to show up as.

So why don’t they freeze up like you do? Because not all brains are wired the same way. Maybe your nervous system is more sensitive to stimuli (especially true for many neurodivergent people). Maybe confrontation’s felt more dangerous for you in the past and your brain hasn’t got the memo that things are different now. And while rewiring your stress response isn’t always an option, this doesn’t mean your relationships have to suffer.

In the moment: self-compassion is your best friend

When you’re facing a conflict, you might think your partner needs you to address whatever it is they want from you. But that’s not actually true. Or… not quite.

Look, here’s the thing: if your partner wants you to do more around the house (get better at scheduling, show more affection, etc…) – that’s absolutely something that needs addressing. But most likely, you don’t have to address it in that very moment. What’s likely far more important to your partner is knowing that they’re heard. Here’s a sentence that will do just that:

“I hear what you’re saying. Right now, I’m not in the best place to talk about this. I need some time to process this. I love you and I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

This gets you time to calm your nervous system, while also showing your partner that you pay attention and you shutting down is not a lack of caring. Expressing affection also helps reassuring your partner (especially key if you’re dating an anxious person)

(And if saying a line like this feels like too much to handle in that moment, that’s okay, we’ll get to that in the next paragraph!)

Then, take some time to regulate yourself. Regulation is all about making yourself feel safe again and there’s a billion ways to do this. Breathing exercises, a long walk, journaling or a shower are some examples worth exploring.

Once you feel calm, take time to reflect on what your partner has said and where you’d like the conversation to go next. Think about their needs and yours, boundaries each of you might have, and – if possible – practical solutions. You might even want to put some of it on paper.

When you feel like you’re in a good place to talk, get back to your partner.

(Keep in mind that giving you space while they’re unhappy is also taxing for your partner, so try balancing your need for regulation with their need for addressing the issue – don’t wait for days before you come back to talk about it.)

Between arguments: build understanding and trust

The best part about being in a relationship is that you’re not in it alone. And while you don’t have full control of your nervous system, you and your partner can work together to build something beautiful around it. And it all starts with talking.

Okay so I get it – if arguments terrify you, the last thing you want is to spend precious drama-free time on having more difficult conversations. That’s valid. Which is why our goal isn’t to get difficult. It’s to build connection. And the key to building connection is really understanding each other.

Understanding each other means explaining to your partner what happens when you shut down so they’re prepared and know it’s not about them. (And if you struggle to find the words, feel free to send them this blog!)

You may also want to come up with a keyword to signal when you’re shutting down. Your rescue line from above, “I hear what you’re saying. Right now, I’m not in the best place to talk about this. I need some time to process this. I love you and I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can”, admittedly is a lot to say when your brain doesn’t work the way you’d like it to. Why not sub this whole line for something short and sweet, like ‘Cucumber’ or ‘Pikachu’? If even that feels like too much, your partner might be able to help by checking in: “Hey babe, is this one of those shutting down moments?” A simple nod might be enough to get the decompression time you need.

Another part of connection is addressing topics before they become problems. Checking in with each other and discussing what each of you needs goes a long way. “Sweetie, I have a huge work project this week and I’m stressed about that. I won’t have time for hanging out, but let’s celebrate together when it’s done” might turn feelings of neglect into compassion and understanding. “Honey, I really struggle with plans that change last minute. Can we brainstorm ways to honour your need for spontaneity with my need for structure?” is another one that keeps you in touch. (Our Connection Compass helps you turn check-ins like these into a habit and make it something you actually enjoy!)

It’s also worth getting curious about what specifically triggers your freeze mode. Is it certain tones, specific topics, feeling unheard? The more you know, the better you can prepare.

Finally, getting professional support (alone or together) might help you spot difficult patterns and build coping mechanisms. If you feel like you and your partner(s) can’t find your way out of a situation, asking for help is a great idea. In the end, nervous systems are made to protect us, not to sabotage the connection with those we love. And now you know exactly what to do to stay connected and make yourself feel safe, even in challenging conversations.