How to communicate your needs when you’re neurodivergent

What’s wild about this is that others not meeting our needs often isn’t for a lack of caring. When we’d finally unpack, it would often boil down to communication: others not knowing about our needs, misunderstanding them or not understanding their importance. So in this blog, let’s talk about why this happens, the nuances of neurodivergent¹ communication in relationships, how we can make sure our needs are heard, and what to do if they aren’t.

Why neurotypical communication advice doesn’t work for neurodivergent brains

Tell me if you’ve heard this communication advice before:

• Just be direct and say what you want
• Stay calm
• Make eye contact to show you’re really listening

And sure, this advice is great… Assuming it’s actually doable. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, it’s not. Whether you’re communicating with a neurotypical person or a fellow ND, there are some challenges traditional (relationship) communication advice just doesn’t take into account (which is why neurodivergent communication in relationships requires a completely different toolkit). Let’s tackle the most obvious ones.

Growing up neurodivergent among neurotypicals, there’s a big chance you’ve been raised to believe that your needs are wrong or don’t matter. You may have been called rude, difficult, impractical, or lazy. People would look at what you ask, mistranslate to what this ask would mean for them, and draw the wrong conclusions. For instance, asking about a specific schedule may help you prepare with switching context, while a neurotypical person would assume you’re inflexible. All of this results in many neurodivergent folks suppressing their own needs and feeling that expressing those needs is unsafe.

On top of that, we often deal with dysregulated nervous systems. Part of it is genetic, part is the relationship between neurodivergence and trauma. You’re probably unsurprised to learn that research shows NDs have a high chance of being traumatized (part of it is having to function in a neurotypical world and stumbling as you do). While traditional advice assumes your conversations happen when you feel calm and capable of making rational decisions, in reality old patterns, survival mechanisms and coping strategies get triggered and we end up saying and doing things we regret later.

Finally, as neurodivergents, we experience the world differently. Many of us are extra sensitive to input. Extra sense-tive, if you will. Harsh light, lots of things happening, distracting sounds, strong smells… And we need all our energy to process. Meanwhile, we often waste energy masking: pretending we’re neurotypical and displaying behaviors neurotypical people expect. Instead of focusing on listening, we focus on eye-contact or having an open posture. Which leaves less energy to actually… listen. And which means we often don’t have the bandwidth to process what’s being said. In fact, even when we’re not masking, sometimes our processing just takes a little longer. So when we’re forced to respond in the moment, we say things we wouldn’t otherwise (and leave out things we really want to say).

That doesn’t mean we can’t do effective communication. It does mean we need the right tools to get there.

What helps when traditional communication advice doesn’t

The right communication tools look different for every brain, but there are some strategies that tend to work well for most neurodivergent people. These tips focus on taking into account what’s going on in your brain and your body and accommodating for that (while also respecting the needs of your conversation partner).

Give yourself enough time and space to process

Whether you’re talking to your partner or your boss, you have the best odds of getting across what you want when you’re feeling calm and regulated. And that means taking care of your nervous system first. Here’s what that may look like:

1. Resist the urge to have the conversation when you’re feeling upset. We often bring up our needs after we realize they haven’t been met, which is usually when we feel neglected, hurt, overlooked, or taken advantage of. That’s your survival mode talking. Start by taking care of your nervous system first, then – once you feel calm – ask the other person to talk.
2. Write down what you want to accomplish going into the conversation. What do you want? What do you need? Are there any boundaries you want to communicate?
   Depending on what you want and need (and on the people sitting across from you) you may want to elaborate on why this need is so important to you.
   Bonus tip: Try using metaphors that are relatable for the person you’re talking to.
3. In the conversation, you might hear something you didn’t expect. Fawning is a trauma response where we aim to people-please, even at the cost of our personal needs. If you hear something unexpected, take your time to process. It’s perfectly okay to say something like: “I haven’t considered this. I’d like to think on it some more. Can I get back to you about this tomorrow?”
4. Even if you start out calm, you may find the conversation getting emotional later. If you notice you or your conversation partner start getting defensive, shut down, raise your voice, or try to hurt each other, ask for a time-out. This might sound like “Hey, I notice the things we’re saying now aren’t very constructive. Let’s take some time to calm down and then talk more about this later.”  

Get clear on your own needs and boundaries

This is something we’ve already touched on: get clear on what you need and what you’re willing to compromise on. You’d be surprised how often we’re only able to articulate what we don’t want. Unfortunately, there are a few problems with this.

When we focus on what we don’t want, to other people, this sounds a lot like blaming. “This hurts me” is interpreted as “You’re doing something wrong”. As a result, they get defensive and start piling on arguments to convince you they’ve done nothing wrong. And that doesn’t exactly help you feel heard.

Second, even if they don’t get defensive, when we focus on what we don’t want, they may not know what to do instead. For instance, you might say something like: “I don’t like it when you cancel our dates last-minute.” Totally reasonable, and yet sometimes reality happens. What would be helpful is for the other person to know what you’d like them to do instead. For instance: “I get that sometimes you’ll need to cancel. If you’re unsure you can make it, please don’t wait to let me know before you’re sure you can’t make it. Let me know in advance so I can take this into account while making my own plans.”

Check in with each other before problems arise

“We need to talk” is one line guaranteed to get everyone on edge and in survival mode. Somehow, the conversation that follows is never fun. But there’s no reason why conversations about needs have to be stressful. They can be fun and loving, too. The key is to have them before they’re inevitable.

I know you can’t anticipate every single thing, but making communication a habit and discussing needs and boundaries before they become an issue is that much more critical when you’re neurodivergent. It helps you approach topics from a place of curiosity instead of pain and you can do so in a setting that feels comfortable (meaning: less overwhelm for your senses).

Set aside a regular moment to check in with each other. For your relationship, this may be every month or more often, up to every week. For friendships or work, this will probably be less often. Either way, knowing you do this regularly will give your brain some time to prepare and tune in.

Pick a place that’s comfortable for both of you. Ask yourself what your senses need. Maybe you’d like to dim the lights a bit or make sure there’s enough tea and snacks (tip: snacks may help regulate your dopamine, which is an issue for many neurodivergent people). Maybe you’d like something that helps you steer and regulate your energy. For instance, some people have an easier time listening as they walk or doodle. Try to put your brain at ease so it can do its job.

Finally, make sure you don’t have to rush. Your goal is to truly connect over what each of you has to say, not to get something out there and then leave.

Tackling one or a few topics every few weeks will help you stay connected and spot assumptions and key differences early on. (In fact, that’s exactly why I’ve created the Relationship Vision Cards and Connection Compass. These are tools that give you a structure for these check-ins, so you know exactly what topics to talk about and how to do it in a connected way.)

When it’s not just about finding the right words

Even with your best efforts, sometimes the other person will be unwilling or unable to meet your needs. Maybe it’s because your needs aren’t compatible with their needs and boundaries. Other times, unfortunately, you’re dealing with a person who simply doesn’t care. Telling the difference isn’t always easy. If none of the tips above help, sometimes the best thing you can do to take care of yourself is look for professional support. A good coach or therapist will help you get clear on what’s fixable and what’s best left behind. Either way, don’t be too hard on yourself. Communication is hard and it’s that much harder when you can’t just follow the implied scripts used by neurotypical people. But your needs matter, so don’t give up – allow yourself to have them met.

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1. Neurodivergence is a big umbrella and the field is changing as we learn more and more about the brain. Today, we don’t always know what causes many traits. That’s why I’m steering clear from talking labels (e.g. autism / ADHD) and instead pointing to specific traits. ↩︎