What to Do When Your Partner Shuts Down

Have you ever brought up an issue or feeling with a partner, only to have them ignore your words, completely shut down, or even leave? When you’re trying to resolve something that’s been bothering you, this kind of response (or lack of response) can make you feel even less connected and even make you question your relationship. And the bad part – if you’ve ever tried resolving this by pushing the issue, blaming your partner for their lack of response, or even asking for reassurance, you know it often leads to even more disconnect.

Now, ideally, of course, we all – including your partner – would be perfect communication in relationships. But if you made the mistake of dating a human being – with flaws and everything – you might find that your partner isn’t living up to this ideal. In fact, you might find they steer dangerously close to ‘unacceptable behavior area’.

Luckily, although pushing your partner most likely won’t get you what you want, there are also things you can do.

“Why should I be the one doing the work?”

A relationship is teamwork, and if your partner isn’t pulling their share – why should you be the one doing all the emotional labor? Isn’t that unfair? Great question! Unfortunately, what’s fair and what’s not isn’t particularly relevant to our conversation. If we’re looking at fair as both partners equally contributing to resolving the conflict, then you’re absolutely right – it’s not fair. It’s also the reality of the moment. Maybe it’s not fair you’ve booked a beach holiday, only to end up with tons of rain. But if that’s what it is – the key question is: what are you going to do about it? Are you going to waste your holiday sulking, or are you going to turn things around?

In short – the reason why this article focuses on things you can do is because you’re the only one you have in that moment. Okay, so your partner isn’t showing up how you need them to. That’s no reason to outsource all responsibility for your happiness! So forget ‘Is it fair?’ and instead ask ‘Am I willing to take of my own needs?’

“Okay, but still – why does my partner shut down?”

It could be a number of reasons and here are some of the most common ones:

• Your partner is overwhelmed – the amount of input is more than they can process in the moment. This is especially likely if your partner has a lot going on or is sensitive to stimuli (e.g. autistic).
• Your partner struggles with feelings of guilt and shame – if your partner is a people-pleaser, learning you’re unhappy might be deeply disturbing to them, to the point that they can’t accept it and try to pretend it’s not happening. (Yes, that isn’t logical since obviously it will only make you less happy. Unfortunately, when nervous systems and trauma are at play, logics fly right out of the window.)
• Your partner doesn’t have a lot of experience with healthy conflict communication and is relying on patterns they’ve experienced as a child.
• Your partner is avoidantly attached, basically meaning their nervous system is traumatized to the point where they rather run than stay and work things out.
• Your partner doesn’t care about your wellbeing.

None of the above means you should be okay with your partner’s behavior or stick around as they work on themselves if you don’t want to. That said, this is the reality you’re facing right now.

So we’re going to focus on how you can take care of yourself. And then, you’re going to explore what you want from your relationship.

Step 1: Take care of your own emotions

If you’re in the middle of a fight with a partner who’s withdrawn, odds are your emotions and nervous system are all over the place as well.

The first important step is self-regulation. There are many ways to do this, from breathwork to journaling and meditation. The goal is to tell and show your nervous system: “I hear you. I’m going to take care of you. You’re safe.”

If this is something you struggle with, here are a few things to remember:

1. You’re capable of taking care of yourself. You’ve made it this far in your life. You’ve made mistakes, but you’ve also learned from them. This won’t kill you.
2. Your relationship and well-being almost never hinge on this issue being resolved in the next few hours (or even days). It’s okay to take a step back and practice self-care before you make any decisions or try to fix things. You will return to the issue with a clearer mind.
3. This likely isn’t the first time your partner responds this way. (It also likely won’t be the last.) Your relationship has survived so far. There is no reason why this time would be different (and if this time is different – pushing it will only do harm).

Step 2: Get clear on your own needs

If you brought up an issue with your partner, this issue is most likely around needs unmet. Maybe you feel your partner isn’t contributing around the house, doesn’t invest in spending time together, or never wants to join you for family visits.

Understanding your needs exactly, will help you make sure they are met – either in this relationship or in some other way. That’s why in this step, you’ll explore what you need.

Whatever your need is, it’s important to look a bit deeper, not just at the need, but also why this need is so important to you and any beliefs you may have around this need.

In fact, sometimes there may be more than one need or belief behind the need, and if you get clear on all of them, you have the best odds at having them met.

(Note how this is something you can do entirely by yourself, regardless of how your partner feels about it. Self-care!)

Here’s an example:

Sara is very close to her family. Her partner Luke doesn’t really like joining for family outings. This upsets Sara.

Sara writes down her need: “I want to share family experiences with my partner.”

Next, Sara asks herself why this is important to her. She uncovers two beliefs / underlying needs:

1. Being with my family is my favorite thing to do. Being unable to share this means my partner misses out on a big part of my life.
2. If I show up at family gatherings without my partner, people always ask me about it. It’s embarrassing – I’m afraid people will think we have problems.

Now Sara understands why she wants what she wants, it’s time for the key self-care step: figuring out the path forward.

Step 3: Figure out the path forward

After you get clear on your needs, the next step is figuring out what you’re going to do about it.

As always, you do this by relying on your vision – the things you want in your relationships and life. (If you’re not clear on your vision yet, our Vision Cards and Relationship Vision Cards are a great place to start; use them to make your own vision blueprint).

You compare your (underlying) needs with the kind of life and relationship you want to have. You identify things you want to change in yourself, as well as things you’d like to change in your situation. (Maybe you only want to change yourself, or only the situation, that’s okay, too.)

For Sara, here’s what that might look like:

Being with her family is a big part of Sara’s vision. That said, at the core of her vision blueprint, she wants to be a confident and independent woman. Thinking over this situation, she realizes that part of her relationship choices is still influenced by trying to please her family. She decides on her path forward:

1. She clarifies what she wants from her relationship, regardless of her family’s opinions.
2. Her family is still important to her, and it’s important to her to share this with her partner. That said, she also realizes that it’s okay with her to share key moments with her partner and do everything else by herself. The key moments are her non-negotiable. Everything else is a nice-to-have.
3. She plans to have a conversation with Luke to discuss this.

Step 4: Make a plan

Depending on the steps you’ll want to take  next, you may need to make a plan. Sometimes, the steps will require outside help, such as therapy. Other times, the steps are about inner work. Or you may decide that the relationship you have right now does not match your vision.

Whatever it is, make a plan for what needs to happen next. This plan may be a short bullet list of things that need doing, any resources (time, money, help) you need for doing them, and how you’re planning to get those resources.

Then – don’t skip this step! – take a step back. If it’s already late, get some sleep. If you still have a day ahead of you, get your mind off your plan by focusing on something else. Return to it later, when you’ve had the chance to really clear your mind. Do you still agree with the steps you’ve chosen?  

In Sara’s case, not that she’s focussed more on her own needs and self-regulation, she feels much more at peace. She realizes she wants to address this with Luke in a moment where they both feel at peace and in a good mindset. She decides she’ll try and compromise. If Luke isn’t willing to have this conversation, or absolutely set against spending key moments together with her family, this will mean they are not compatible. However, before she decides this, she wants to explain to him why this is so important to her.

Sara writes Luke a letter, inviting him to have a conversation about this issue when they are both in a good mind space. She hands him the letter in a moment of calm and gives him the time to read and respond. She knows that whatever his response will be, she’ll do what it takes to take care of herself.

Self-care starts with knowing what you want

When you’re not clear on your own needs and boundaries, it’s easy to end up in a relationship that doesn’t serve you or outsource your happiness to your partner. That’s why getting clear on your relationship (and life) vision is so important. We’ve designed prompts to help you get there. Our Vision Cards will help you create a holistic life blueprint, from personal growth to health, relationships, purpose, and much more. Our Relationship Vision Cards will help you get clear specifically on your relationship needs and boundaries. You can find both decks in our shop!