When you’re in a monogamous (or otherwise closed) relationship, hooking up or having sex with people outside of your relationship is considered cheating. But what if you’re actually in an open relationship? What if you’re polyamorous? What if it’s okay for each of you to be with other people? Can cheating happen then, too? That’s what we’ll explore in this blog!
What is cheating, exactly?
If we’re looking at the broader definition of cheating (not just the one applied to relationships) we have to look further than just not having sex with others. In games, cheating equals not playing fair. Of course, that leaves you with the question: well, what’s fair? And in games, fair usually means: playing by the rules. So cheating? Intentionally breaking those rules (and attempting to do so without other players knowing it).
This definition holds up surprisingly well when it comes to relationships. Of course, each relationship has its own agreements, but the one big rule of monogamy is: You are only intimate with your partner, not with anyone else. When this rule is broken… well, that’s when your partner isn’t ‘playing fair’, that’s when they’re cheating.
So what would ‘not playing by the rules’ look like when it comes to open relationships, especially ones that don’t seem to have any rules?
The one big rule of open relationships
If we define cheating as not playing by the rules, we need to know what rules there are in an open relationship. And here’s where it gets tricky, because you may have created all sorts of ‘rules’ for your specific relationship. But those aren’t quite the rules we’re talking about here (don’t worry, we’ll get to those later), and here’s why. The rules you create for your open relationship aren’t universal. For almost any ‘rule’ created in a relationship dynamic, there will be other people who don’t subscribe to it.
The rules we’re talking about are a defining part of the relationship dynamic you’re in (e.g. you cannot be monogamous if you agree it’s okay to also be with other people – that’s just the opposite of the definition of monogamy). But do ethical open relationships (such as open polyamory) have a rule like that?
It might surprise you (especially since open relationships can be so different) but the answer is: yes. The one big rule of open relationships is being able to give your informed consent[1]. If there is no informed consent, it’s not an ethical open relationship. Which leaves us with the next question: what’s informed consent in the context of an open relationship?
What is informed consent in open relationships / polyamory?
You might think that informed consent means that everyone involved in an open relationship should agree to or be happy about everything that happens between people in this dynamic. But that’s not the case! For instance, if Anne and Ben are in a non-monogamous relationship, Anne doesn’t need to consent to whatever Ben does with his other partner Chris in order to have informed consent. Consent is not the same thing as permission, and that’s an important distinction.
Informed consent does mean that:
- You willingly agree to your participation is a certain situation or dynamic (so anything that you do or that someone does with or to you)
- You are given all the information that – to your partner’s knowledge – could impact whether or not you consent.
Foor Anne, Ben and Chris, this might mean that Anne knows Ben is seeing other people and that Chris knows Ben is seeing other people. But depending on their dynamic, there might be other information that needs to be disclosed, as well. For instance, if Chris is the new partner, they may want to know whether there are any constraints to their relationship with Ben before they choose to get involved.
What would cheating look like in an open relationship?
As being able to give your informed consent is the one defining rule of ethical open relationships, breaking this rule (and so, by definition, cheating) would look like intentionally making it impossible for someone to give their informed consent. What could this look like?
If Ben misrepresents the nature of his relationship with Anne because he’s afraid Chris would lose interest otherwise (or the other way around), that is cheating.
If Ben hides or misrepresents facts (or uncertainties) about his sexual health because he doesn’t want Anne or Chris to change whether and how they’re willing to have sex with Ben – that’s cheating.
If Anne, Ben or Chris willingly consent to a boundary without the intent of actually upholding it (a boundary is not the same thing as an agreement or rule) – again, that’s cheating.
All of these examples make it impossible for people to give informed consent, and as a result – an ethical relationship becomes impossible.
What about the rules you create together?
The above is just one interpretation of what cheating is, based on what cheating is its broadest meaning. It’s based on the only actual rule of open relationships. However, apart from this rule, you and your partner might also define agreements – things you both want or compromise on in your relationship. And you might wonder: isn’t it cheating if those are broken?
If you ask around in any non-monogamy communities, the answers you get will be all over the place, ranging from ‘in open relationships, there can only be lying or breaking of agreements, but not cheating’ to ‘any breaking of an agreement is cheating’.
Personally, I am not a fan of defining cheating as the breaking of agreements for multiple reasons:
- Where do you draw the line? You probably wouldn’t classify it as cheating if your partner doesn’t do their part of the chores around the house, even though it might break an agreement.
- Some agreements are unethical in the first place (the ones that are rooted in a power disbalance, meaning not all parties affected by the agreement were able to give their informed consent), such as agreements including a veto power. Defining breaking such an agreement as cheating draws away the attention from the actual problem.
So yes, it’s totally possible that you and your partner have agreed on other ‘rules’, but generally speaking – I don’t consider breaking them cheating.
Does it matter whether it’s cheating?
Another important question is whether it actually matters if something is cheating. If you’re upset about agreements being broken, isn’t that just as important?
Yes, and no.
It’s totally okay to be upset or even angry if a partner broke an agreement. You are also well within your right to enforce any boundaries you need, up to breaking up / de-escalating your relationship. Whether or not your partner is cheating – your feelings are no less valid. So if you’re looking for the definition of cheating to justify your anger or pain – you don’t have to.
That said, there is one big difference between cheating and other broken agreements, and it’s in the sanctity of your autonomy. When a partner is cheating, essentially they disrespect your autonomy to make decisions about your own life and about your own relationships. That is exactly why infidelity is so damaging to relationships: you stop trusting your partner with the decisions you make about your life.
How to prevent cheating in open relationships?
The truth is – there may be many reasons why people cheat, and you can’t prevent them all. But one great way to start is by having the right conversations: what does each of you consent to? Are there any incompatibilities there? If you’d like some great conversation prompts to get you started, check out our Polyamory Conversation Cards (don’t let the word ‘Polyamory’ fool you – you can use them for any open relationship or non-monogamous dynamic; in fact, it will help you get crystal clear on your specific dynamic). Over 2000 people are using them already, we think you’ll love them, too!
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[1] You could argue that informed consent is the cornerstone of any relationship and this is certainly true, too. For open relationships, though, it’s the one thing that separates them from infidelity.
2 comments
John
The machinations involved in defining cheating in ENM or open relationships makes my head spin. I was in a relationship with someone who identifies as solo-poly, but in reality they acted more like things were open. I have been a part of many open/poly discussion groups, and have read every relevant book on the topic. At the end of the day, it is up to conesting adults to decide what is right for them. But the entire landscape of ENM/Poly/Open subscibes to some theories that are problematic. One being the topic of “needs.” I have heard this thrown around a lot, but in the large majority of cases the individual is unable to descibe what their needs actually are. As soon as someone has an itch to do or try something else, their partner “isn’t meeting my needs.” In this realm, as long as everyone consents, it is ok for said partner to go get their “needs” met someplce else. And if you aren’t happy, you can always break up. It all sounds fine, until over the years your potential dating pool shrinks, and you are left alone. Where is the introspection into whether your needs are healthy to begin with? Or taking your partners feelings into consideration? And in smaller communities their is this incestuous “wash, rinse, repeat” amongst people that begins to make simple social interactions incredibly awkward. I am still on the fringes of poly and ENM as I navigate todays dating pool, but it is all getting more and more difficult to manage. The attitude that poly and ENM is “evolved” seems less and less the case. Same broken people, just different terminolgy.
Marianna
Hi John, Thank you so much for sharing! There is a lot to unpack in your post, so I’d like to address the separate points.
“The machinations involved in defining cheating in ENM or open relationships makes my head spin.”
To be fair – it probably could be done in a much simpler matter. When I discussed this with my own partner, he said “Oh… For me, it’s just any interaction with others that breaks agreements in a relationship about interactions with people outside said relationship”, and there’s something to say for that, as well (for one – it’s much shorter :))
“At the end of the day, it is up to consenting adults to decide what is right for them.”
Absolutely. I think this is true for any relationship dynamic.
“But the entire landscape of ENM/Poly/Open subscribes to some theories that are problematic. One being the topic of “needs.” I have heard this thrown around a lot, but in the large majority of cases the individual is unable to describe what their needs actually are. As soon as someone has an itch to do or try something else, their partner “isn’t meeting my needs.” In this realm, as long as everyone consents, it is ok for said partner to go get their “needs” met someplace else. And if you aren’t happy, you can always break up.”
I think this might be different depending on the type of ENM/open relationship. In polyamory, more than in e.g. swinging, there is a high focus on autonomy. This means it’s not so much that everyone needs to consent on one person meeting specific needs elsewhere. Rather, it’s that everyone involved consents with the idea of autonomy, of people having a say about when and with whom they want to meet needs, without needing permission for this to happen.
“It all sounds fine, until over the years your potential dating pool shrinks, and you are left alone.”
Could you elaborate on this? What is the correlation with the focus on needs? Or is this a general problem with open relationships in your opinion as the dating pool in open relationships is smaller than in monogamous ones?
“Where is the introspection into whether your needs are healthy to begin with?”
I think this is a very fair point. I have written in the past about the dangers of using New Relationship Energy to regulate dopamine, for instance. I think it’s very important to be aware of what needs you have, where they come from, and the best way for you to fulfill them. Sometimes, this may be found in different relationships, and sometimes, the answer lies elsewhere.
“Or taking your partners feelings into consideration?”
Again, a fair point. I think this is true for both monogamous and open relationships (for one, I just read a book called ‘How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids’ that’s elaborating on how many men don’t take into account the feelings of women when it comes to a fair division of labor after having kids). I don’t think open relationships of any kind – including polyamory – mean you don’t take into consideration your partner’s feelings. Autonomy does mean your partner does not dictate your behavior, and those are two different things. This is also an absolute necessity in non-hierarchical polyamory (which, many will claim, is the only actual polyamory as opposed to non-monogamy in general): if taking into account your partner’s feelings means you’d act according to what they want, what will you do if you have multiple partners who have conflicting feelings, meaning there is no path forward that would keep everyone happy? The hard balance to find in ENM – and one that’s often overlooked – is the one between autonomy and caring.
“And in smaller communities their is this incestuous “wash, rinse, repeat” amongst people that begins to make simple social interactions incredibly awkward.”
This can certainly happen. I don’t necessarily think simple social interactions should become awkward as a consequence (after all, even in monogamy one can be friends with exes and their new partners), as long as the privacy of individual relationships and people is respected. Although I may misunderstand what awkwardness you’re describing.
” I am still on the fringes of poly and ENM as I navigate todays dating pool, but it is all getting more and more difficult to manage. The attitude that poly and ENM is “evolved” seems less and less the case. Same broken people, just different terminology.”
I would never want to state that ENM is more or less evolved. Autonomy often gets mistaken for a lack of accountability and this harms both the ENM image and the people involved in it. In the end, I believe a healthy relationship – of whatever dynamic – involves both autonomy and accountability. This combination may be lacking both in ENM and in monogamy.