Opening Your Relationship: Step 3 – Letting Go of the Couple

(This is Part 3 of the Opening Your Relationship guide. Make sure you’ve read the first part on the right moment to bring up opening your relationship with your partner and the second part on doing research)

In the last part, you and your current partner have independently researched non-monogamy and each come to your own conclusions. If you’ve accomplished this step – congratulations. It means you both have been brave enough to allow the other to find their own truth, even if it turns out to be incompatible to yours. This is a very important part of non-monogamy, since in ethical non-monogamy you are no longer a ‘couple’. If you didn’t do research independently – just keep that in mind for this step – we’ll discuss what this may mean later on.

Do you both want non-monogamy?

Now that you’ve done your research, the both of you need to bring your conclusions to the table. In the last step, you already defined your ideal situation, as well as your non-negotiables. Write these down or – better yet – create a vision board, a drawing of your ideal situation (if you’re really averse to drawing, you can skip this part, but I find something visual really helps with the conversation; try this resource to get started). When putting your ideal situation on paper, resist the urge to discuss it with your partner before you’re done. If you do, you might influence each other and skew your answers to please your partner.

Once you’re both done putting things on paper, come together and share what each of you wants (Need help to get you started? Check out our Polyamory Conversation Cards!) Start with the ideal situations, then compare notes. Are you on the same page? Do you have different needs and wishes?

There are four possible outcomes

1. If both of you conclude that you want to stick with monogamy – that’s totally fine, but the rest of the blog probably won’t be of much use for you (we have great relationship cards that will bring you closer together though).
2. You both want non-monogamy and you’re on the same page about what this would look like – amazing! The rest of this blog will help you redefine your relationship.
3. You’re not quite on the same page with your ideal situations. However, you’re also not so far apart that one’s ideal situation is unacceptable to the other.  You’ve been able to compromise. For you, too, the next step is redefining your relationship.
4. Your acceptable situations are just too far apart. The minimum you need to be happy doesn’t align with the minimum your partner needs. This is a really tough conclusion to draw. When your happiness is incompatible, it means you can’t be happy together. This means that if you want both of you to be happy, it’s best to part ways. It’s incredibly hard and painful to let go of each other when you still love each other. But once the grief passes, you’ll both be able to create beautiful, true lives for yourselves. That said, before ending your relationship, you may consult a nonmonogamy-friendly therapist to see if there’s any way you could bridge the gap between your needs.

Transitioning into non-monogamy

Many couples feel that once they are on the same page about non-monogamy, they are ready to make agreements and start dating others. Unfortunately, they often soon discover they skipped a very important step[1]: disentangling.

Whether you need to disentangle somewhat depends on the type of non-monogamy you want to practice.

• If you want to have sex outside of your relationship but stay exclusive romantically – it’s less important. However, even if that’s the case – keep in mind that feelings often chart their own course and you can’t control falling in love.
• If you want to explore polyamory – a form of non-monogamy that involves having romantic attachments to others – disentangling is absolutely critical.

From couple to dyad

For monogamous couples, their relationship is often sacred and they’ll go to great lengths to preserve it. Most life decisions are made together and you’re used to having a lot of influence over each other.

When you choose polyamory, you let go of the couple you were. In a way, it dies (and yes – you’re totally allowed to grieve it). What emerges are two individuals who have a relationship (forming a dyad) but have full autonomy over their other relationships. This means that while you still have a say about the relationship between the both of you, you don’t have a say about your partner’s other relationships.

Now you might think this doesn’t apply to you because you want to form a triad. But if you don’t grant all three of you the autonomy to date together and apart, the triad will inevitably get messy. Centering the existing couple may make you feel safe, but it also creates inequality. You won’t be surprised to learn that few newcomers are willing to be put in that position. The few that do, usually find themselves in a lot of drama down the road.

Going back to monogamy

Remember how at the beginning of this blog we asked whether you’ve done your research independently? If the answer is no, this is a good moment to ask yourselves: are you willing to take the risk of opening up?

Many couples start out with the agreement that if things don’t work out – they just close the relationship back up. But once you start dating other people, it’s no longer just the two of you deciding (and again – you can probably imagine that others won’t sign up to be your experiment). There are more people involved. And, feelings for those people.

Going back to monogamy only works if both of you after a time discover that non-monogamy isn’t what you want. However, usually one of the partners is enjoying themselves and the other finds the challenges to hard and wants out.

To put it bluntly: remember how we said when you transition to polyamory – the couple you were dies? This sacred couple is no more and doesn’t hold power over other relationships each of you has.

What about rules, agreements, and boundaries?

Many couples who want to open up their relationship try to preserve the couple by creating rules and agreements. In the next installment of this guide, we’ll discuss the differences between hierarchy, couple privilege, and how rules, agreements and boundaries influence polyamory. Stay tuned!

[1]  In fact, this happens so often there’s a great blog written about it. Look up ‘The Most Skipped Step in Opening Up’ in our Polyamory Resource Guide.