Opening Your Relationship: Step 2 – The Research

(This is Part 2 of the Opening Your Relationship guide. Make sure you’ve read the first part on the right moment to bring up opening your relationship with your partner)

In the last part, we talked about bringing up non-monogamy with your partner and why it’s a good idea to do this sooner than later. Now whether you’ve decided to explore non-monogamy on your own or you and your partner are considering opening up – the next step is figuring out what works for you.

Start by recovering your autonomy

One of the most important elements of healthy non-monogamous (and especially polyamorous) relationships is autonomy. The people in a relationship are the only ones who get a say about that particular relationship. And yes, this does mean your partner doesn’t have to ask you for permission when making decisions in their other relationship. This is very, very different from what most monogamous couples are used to: deciding everything together. That’s why it’s a good idea to start recovering your autonomy by doing your own research and getting clear on your own needs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you shouldn’t share resources or talk about your needs – you absolutely should. I’m just saying – you need to figure out what you (that’s a singular you, not a plural one) want and need.

Define your non-negotiables and wishes

The next step – even before you start devouring polyamory blogs and checking out online communities is to get clear on what you’re looking for in a relationship. What does your dream relationship look like? You may think you want what everybody wants: love, respect, personal freedom, commitment, great communication… but all of these words mean different things to different people. What kind of relationship(s) would make you happy?

When we’re talking about things with our partners, it’s hard to look inward. So start asking yourself the right questions before you ask the other. (Scroll down for our vision and conversation prompts!) Write down your answers. Get clear on *your* ideal situation first, you can always find a compromise later.

Research non-monogamous relationship dynamics

There are tons of different relationship styles and dynamics when it comes to non-monogamy. For instance, did you know that you can be polyamorous and still in a closed relationship? Have you heard about things like Unicorn Hunting, the One Penis Policy and Don’t Ask Don’t Tell agreement? Do you know why hierarchy is so frowned upon? What about the difference between a primary partner, a nesting partner and an anchor partner?

It’s hard to figure out what works best for you if you have no idea what’s out there. So do the research. Read the books. Check out the online communities. Use our long list of solid polyamory resources, as well as our polyamory glossary.

Prepare for opening up

Once you (we’re still talking singular you here) have done the research, if you still want to practice non-monogamy and you’re clear on your own needs, it’s time to come together and define what this means. More on that in the next blog.

Polyamory Resources

• Check out our collection of great non-monogamy resources – from podcasts to games.
• Understand the lingo in our non-monogamy glossary
• If you’ve got a Medium plan, read this article on ‘The Most Skipped Step When Opening Up‘.

And use our prompts to get clear on your needs.