Are you thinking about opening your relationship or even marriage? You’re not alone. More people are exploring open relationships for all kinds of reasons – maybe you’ve caught feelings for someone new but don’t want to leave your partner, or you’ve realized monogamy isn’t working for you, or you simply find yourself connecting deeply with multiple people.
But how do you actually open up your relationship? Unfortunately, you can’t just announce “we’re open now!” and expect everything to work out. This guide walks you through the actual process of opening a relationship, from having that first conversation to checking in and staying connected as you both explore new relationships.
In this first part of the guide, we’ll talk about the start: getting clear on what you want & having the conversation with your partner.
Before You Start: The Open Relationship Reality Check
First, you need to be honest with yourself about why you want an open relationship:
- Are you using this as an exit strategy? If opening up is your alternative to breaking up, ask yourself: is the problem monogamy, or is it your partner? Is non-monogamy your actual goal, or just a way to meet needs your current relationship isn’t satisfying? Our Polyamory Conversation Cards and Relationship Vision Cards may help you understand what you’re looking for in your relationship and prepare you for the conversation with your partner.
- Is this about a specific person? Would you still want an open relationship if that particular person wasn’t available?
- What’s your timeline? Are you desperate to open up immediately, or can you take several months to explore this thoughtfully?
Here’s the truth: open relationships make terrible band-aids for unhappy relationships. However, if you’re both happy together AND recognize that each of you has needs the other can’t fulfill – that’s where open relationships can actually work.
Step 1: Starting The Conversation
How this conversation goes depends entirely on your relationship. Maybe you’ve already discussed non-monogamy before. Maybe your partner is naturally open-minded about relationships. Or maybe they tend toward jealousy and insecurity.
For this guide, I’m assuming you don’t yet know how they feel. (If you already know, drop a comment and I can give more specific advice!)
A common mistake is when one partner spends months researching open relationships, joins online communities, reads books and blogs, and only approaches their partner when they’re 100% convinced this is what they want.
If that’s you – don’t panic. But ideally, the exploration phase should be something you do together. Compare these approaches:
Approach 1 (Not Great):
“Hey love, I’ve decided I want an open relationship. How can we make this happen?”
The problem? Your partner immediately feels cornered. They feel like they don’t get much say (and might wonder if you’ll leave if they refuse). This creates defensiveness rather than openness. Worse, it damages trust – if this bomb gets dropped out of nowhere, what else might be coming? Plus, you’re starting from totally different knowledge levels, creating frustration on both sides – they may feel rushed and you may feel impatient with the time to need to get up to speed.
Approach 2 (Much Better):
“Hey love, I’m curious about open relationships and want to explore whether it might work for me personally and for us. I’m just starting to research this, but how would you feel about us both looking into what’s possible over the next few months, and then discussing if it’s right for us?”
This approach emphasizes what matters most in open relationships: consent. You show respect for your partner’s boundaries while acknowledging this is a journey you’d prefer to take together. It also means you’re starting in roughly the same place, meaning you don’t have to wait for your partner to catch up.
If You’ve Already Done All The Research
But what if you’re already way past that point? You’ve done months of research and this advice feels too late? Here’s how to work with what you have:
- Schedule dedicated time for this conversation (this is a good idea either way) – don’t rush it or start it when either of you needs to leave soon.
- Give a heads-up that you want to discuss something important about your relationship.
- Be direct about wanting non-monogamy and explain your reasons why. Then ask your partner how they feel.
- Be completely honest. If you have feelings for someone else or have unmet needs, don’t hide this. Open relationships built on lies are disasters waiting to happen.
- Make space for their reaction. If this comes as a surprise, expect strong emotions. Let them process and vent.
- Know when to take a break. If the conversation gets heated, agree to take time to calm down and continue later.
- If they seem open to it, make plans for the next step – doing research.
- Respect their boundaries. Your partner might decide they don’t want an open relationship. That’s their right and a valid boundary. It might mean you’re not compatible. However, this decision is best made after both of you have had the time to think it through.
Next Step: Researching Non-Monogamy
In the next part of this guide, we’ll cover how to educate yourselves about different relationship dynamics and find the right structure for your situation.
