Let’s talk about something that trips a lot of people up: the difference between boundaries and rules in relationships. You’ve probably heard that “relationships need boundaries” (more accurately: “you need boundaries”. But here’s what nobody tells you – most people are actually setting rules when they think they’re setting boundaries. And yes, this distinction can make or break your relationship (and even more so if you’re exploring non-monogamy).
The Uncomfortable Truth About Rules
Here’s what typically happens: Something in your relationship is changing. Maybe you’re moving in together, maybe you’re opening up your relationship. Things feel uncertain, you feel uncertain. And you try to create safety through control. So what do you do? You decide to set boundaries. But what it looks like? It looks a lot like telling your partner what they can or cannot do. And before you know it, you’re suffocating the very connection you’re trying to protect. That’s because you weren’t setting boundaries, you were setting rules. And yes, this also applies if your partner agreed to the rule and if the same rule applies to you, too.
Boundaries vs Rules: Who Are You Controlling?
A boundary is about you. A rule is about controlling someone else. It’s really that simple. But simple doesn’t mean easy.
Here’s what this looks like in practice:
Rule: “If you’re out with friends, I need you to be home by midnight so I get a good night’s rest.” Boundary: “I need a good night’s rest, so if you’re out late – it’s best if we sleep in different rooms. Let’s discuss what sleeping arrangements would work for both of us.”
Rule: “You can’t sleep with anyone else until I’m comfortable with it.” Boundary: “I can only be intimate with you when I feel secure. At the moment, I’m still working on this security. I’ll let you know when this changes and how you could help.”
See the difference? Rules try to control other people’s behavior. Boundaries express your needs and what you are going to do to protect your peace of mind.
(This doesn’t mean you can’t ask your partner to change their behavior, for instance to support you, but this is a request, not a rule).
Why Most Couples Get Boundaries Wrong
Most relationships operate on unspoken assumptions until something breaks. You think you’re on the same page about what “respect” means. You assume you both have the same definition of “cheating.” You believe you share the same vision of what your relationship should look like. You think you’re on the same page when it comes to what quality time looks like and how much of it you want.
Spoiler alert: You possibly don’t.
The Best Moment to Discuss Boundaries
Hey we get it, conversations about boundaries may not be on your quality time bucket list. Still, if you ask us – we suggest you don’t wait for problems to start having these talks. Once the shit hits the fan, you get an extra layer of emotion to manage when navigating the conversation. That’s never made anything easier. That’s why the best time to talk about boundaries isn’t during a crisis – it’s before you need them. Ideally, before you (de-)esclate or change your relationship in any way: by committing to each other, moving in together, opening up your relationship, or having kids.
Discussing Your Boundaries (Without the Drama)
If we’re honest – boundaries are a whole beast in itself. To fully master them, you need to
- Know your boundaries (unfortunately, we often only discover ours after they’re crossed)
- Communicate your boundaries
- Enforce your boundaries
- Adapt your boundaries as you grow and change
If this sounds like a challenge, we have some tools to help you on your way. Not because you can’t have these conversations on your own, but because it’s easy to overlook important topics or slip into setting rules instead of boundaries.
If you want to get better at setting boundaries, you can grab our quick Boundary Launchpad to have a better sense of boundaries. You can also go all-in and take our course Boundary Breakthrough. It tackles the entire Boundary process – discovery, communicating, enforcing, evaluating, and even bonus topics like boundaries in abusive relationships.
If you’re mainly looking to get clear on your (or your partner’s) boundaries – our Vision Cards for Your Relationship exist for exactly this reason. This card deck will help you uncover assumptions before they become problems. (Want to save on shipping? Get the pdf! We also have a card game + pdf bundle.)
If you’re navigating non-monogamy/polyamory, the Polyamory Conversation Cards tackle the specific challenges of multiple-partner relationships. Because let’s face it – when you’re dealing with metamours, being intimate with multiple people, and time management, you need different questions. (You can also grab these cards together with the relationship cards AND their pdfs in one big Open Relationships Bundle)
Boundaries vs Rules In a Relationship: Reality Check
Your relationship isn’t going to look like anyone else’s, and it doesn’t need to. What matters is that your relationship(s) work(s) for the people in it. But “working” requires clarity, and clarity requires conversations most people aren’t having.
Boundaries aren’t about limiting love – they’re about protecting your own inner peace. But most of all, they are about taking responsibility for your own needs instead of trying to control others.
