Let me share a personal story…
I was 17 and I was studying Social Work. Part of the curriculum was having peer group meetings where we’d give each other feedback and reflect on our own behavior. At one point, someone gave me feedback about being too perfectionist. I said: “Well, what if I don’t want to do anything with this feedback?”
Our mentor was taken aback. “What do you mean, you don’t want to do anything with this feedback?” “Well,” I answered, “I don’t think this is something I’d like to change about myself.”
She then told me I was supposed to use the feedback to grow. I took her words to heart and spent the next ten or so years trying to mold myself to be more palatable to those who gave me feedback. If you, too, think that as long as feedback is constructive, you’re supposed to use it to change yourself – this blog is for you!
Understanding what feedback really is
To truly understand feedback, it helps to look at the word’s origin. Feed. Back. The feed part is about nourishing, feeding something, supplying something. Back indicates the direction. Feedback is – quite literally and used this way in science – something that returns to you. In this case – it’s information about your actions.
Now imagine you’re in charge of the production of a new compound. You’re in the control room and you’re looking at displays and lights, and you make a decision based on the information. Now imagine a yellow light starts blinking, letting you know the temperature of a certain phase has reached a threshold. That’s what feedback is. Feedback is nothing more than information and it’s up to you what you do with it.
Dealing with feedback isn’t implementing the feedback
When my mentor told me I was supposed to use feedback to grow, she was right. She was also wrong. She was right, because feedback is always valuable information. But although her definition of dealing with feedback meant I had to implement the feedback, that’s not what dealing with feedback is about.
Back to the control room.
When a light starts blinking, you take this piece of information and you ask yourself how this information will help you get the results you want. Maybe the light means you need to change something about the process. Maybe it’s just a warning, something to keep an eye on. Or maybe it’s completely unimportant for what you want to accomplish.
That’s how feedback others give us works, too.
I’ll give you an example.
When I was working in consultancy, one of the directors in the company told me I had to specialize more.
Now you might mistakenly assume that the information I got from this is that I had to specialize more. But that’s not quite it. The actual information was that she believed I had to specialize more.
That’s important information. I could use it to look at her frame of reference and then decide whether or not take her advice.
When I did that, I quickly concluded her advice was very sound for her frame of reference, but pretty pointless for a generalist such as myself.
Does this mean I didn’t do anything with the feedback? No. I assessed the information and then I decided on my course of action. That’s what dealing with feedback is all about. It’s not about blindly implementing what others tell you. It’s about steering based on signals around you.
Dealing with feedback without losing yourself
If you’re keen to please others, you may tend to implement their feedback just so they like you better. Look, I’m not in a position to tell you what to do, but I will tell you this: it’s 100% impossible to please everyone. Not because some people are impossible to please, but because different people want different things. Some will want you to go right and others will insist you go left. It’s physically impossible to be everything. You have to choose. And that’s where your vision comes in.
Your vision serves as the compass that helps you decide what to do about any feedback that comes your way. Your vision defines who you want to be – your purpose, your relationships, your definition of success, happiness, health. From there, it’s simple: use feedback to get closer to your vision. Sometimes, it does mean changing your behaviour. Other times, it means continuing as you are or even walking away from something that’s not compatible with your vision.
At Odder Being, we often get tips and feedback from others. Sometimes, it’s a complaint – when you believe we could do better. At other times, it’s people having an idea for the direction we should head, new card decks, and many other things. Having our vision helps us decide whether we want to implement particular feedback. Because Odder Being never was and never will be for everyone. We want to create tools for others who also thrive outside of the box. Feedback that teaches us how to do this better is feedback we implement. Feedback that drives us further away from our mission is something we still appreciate, but that doesn’t drive our actions.
So, where does that leave you? If you’re clear on your vision, the next time someone gives you feedback, pause and measure it against your vision. Ask yourself: Will acting on this feedback help me align with the person I want to be and the life I want to create? If the answer is yes, take it to heart. If not, let it go with gratitude for the insight. And if your vision isn’t clear yet, don’t worry—that’s a great place to start. A vision board is a wonderful tool to help you clarify what truly matters to you. For a little inspiration, check out our Vision Cards, designed to help you map out your ideal life. After all, the best feedback comes from the future you’re working toward.
