The other day, I came across a question from a parent with a 2E kid (twice exceptional, meaning the kid is gifted and also e.g. autistic or adhd): the kid’s teacher was complaining about the kid disrespecting them and asked the parent to talk to the kid about following directions. Unfortunately, this is the lived experience of neurodivergent kids all over the world – the way they naturally act around people in a position of power (parents, teachers, etc) is seen as disrespectful. But is this right? And what can we learn from this to apply in our daily reality, even as adults dealing with each other?
Do you like each other’s style?
If you’ve been working on relationships at all, you’ve probably heard about Love Languages. There are five: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, giving/receiving gifts, and quality time. Simply put, love languages describe how we show our love to others. They also help us understand how others show us their love. For instance, if your love language is physical touch, you may feel unloved when your partner isn’t a big cuddler. Understanding their love language (let’s say it’s ‘acts of service’) may help you see that although they don’t have the same craving for touching, they show their love by taking on extra chores. This way, love languages help us bridge the gap between our own perspective and the other’s.
We can apply the same concept to other positive emotions, such as respect. When we don’t recognize each other’s expression of respect, we might feel like other people are disrespecting us. Meanwhile, they may think they actually respect you a lot. But since we grow up in different environments and cultures, and with different brain wirings, our mutual respect gets lost in translation.
What kind of respect are we talking about?
First of all, let’s start with a definition of respect, just so we’re on the same page. Oxford actually offers us two:
- A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.
- Due regard for the feelings, wishes, or rights of others.
Generally speaking, I don’t think we can expect deep admiration from people around us. Admiration can only be genuine – if someone doesn’t admire us, well… either we need to be okay with that, or we need to step up.
The second definition is better: ‘due regard for (…) others’. In other words: believing others are valuable enough that we care about them, their needs, and their opinions.
Now that we’re clear on this definition, let’s talk about the ways we can express respect.
The 8 respect styles1
When we care for a person’s needs, we generally try to communicate with them in a way that meets these needs. When we do this, we usually rely on our own framework of needs. In fact, I was able to distinguish four different axes (plural of axis, not axe ;)):
- Transparency vs. Peace. When you’re on the transparency side, respect for you is all about information: both sharing your thoughts and asking questions. When you’re on the side of peace, you care about emotional comfort: you’re careful to avoid saying or doing something that may cause feelings of discomfort in the other person (the ‘guess culture’ is a good example).
- Autonomy vs. Orchestration. When you’re on the side of orchestration, respect for you is all about trusting the other person to make decisions for you (and the other way around – making decisions for them). When you’re on the side of autonomy, you trust people to make your own decisions and also want others to let you make your own, ideally without interfering.
- Reliability vs. Flexibility. When you’re on the side of reliability, respect for you is following through on any promises and/or agreements no matter what. When you’re on the side of flexibility, respect for you is taking into account changing needs and adapting as you go, even if this means breaking promises or changing agreements.
- Justification vs. Standing. When you’re on the side of justification, you value ideas and decisions based on their arguments. When you’re on the side of standing, you value ideas and decisions based on the reputation or rank of the person having them.
Using the first letter of your preference for each axis, you’ll end up with a three letter acronym, such as TORJ or PAFS. This is your unique respect style – the way you express your respect. Like any style, it’s a unique combination made by elements that fit together.
Style clashes
Unlike languages, that are fundamentally different, styles may overlap in some elements, differ in others. But even if your styles are mostly the same, it’s easy to think of situations where differences in one element make the styles clash. For instance, a teenager may feel disrespected by parents taking care of them without asking for their opinion, while the parents may feel disrespected by the child not following through on a promise. Understanding the other person’s needs for respect doesn’t have to change your behavior, but might help you open up the conversation – why does one of you (or both) feel disrespected and what needs and beliefs are at the root of your respect style?
Respect Is cultural
As actual styles, respect styles, too, are influenced by culture. For instance, in countries like Japan you’ll find a strong focus on Orchestration over Autonomy. In countries like The Netherlands, Transparency if valued over Peace (don’t take my word for it, check out @LetsDoubleDutch). Want to truly nerd out? Consider how you could plot the respect languages on Hofstede’s Culture Dimensions. ‘Uncertainty Avoidance’ will probably correlate with transparency and reliability, while Power Distance will correlate with Orchestration and Standing, and Collectivism with Peace.
When we understand that our perception of respect is shaped by our culture, we can reframe others’ behavior and appreciate their perspective.
Respect and autism/ADHD
Autistic people and people with ADHD (especially children) are often accused of being disrespectful. That’s because these brain types are firmly on the transparency and autonomy part of the spectrum. (ADHD is gravitating towards flexibility and autism towards reliability.) For those who value Peace and Orchestration, their craving to do their own thing and question everything may seem disrespectful. However, it’s everything but – they would expect you to do the same.
Are you raising a kid who’s wired differently than those around them? It may be especially important to validate their respect style. This way, they don’t feel they have to hide who they are (we have cards that might help).
What’s your respect style?
Does this resonate with your perception of respect? Is it easy for you to figure out your own style? Have others accused you of being disrespectful while you felt anything but? Leave a comment and let me know if I should write more on this topic!
Footnotes
- This is a draft of this framework and it might evolve later on ↩︎
