When you love someone, you want to take care of them. Their needs matter to you. And of course, you want them to be happy. However, that doesn’t mean you need to say yes to things that don’t feel right to you. Setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s self-care.
Of course, everyone has different needs. So it only makes sense that everyone has different boundaries, too. However, here’s a few examples of boundaries that will help you take care of yourself & your mental health, even when your relationship gets hard.
Healthy Relationship Boundary #1: Baby Don’t Hurt Me
Even if you love each other to the moon and back, there will be times where you feel misunderstood or angry. Fights happen and they are a healthy part of every relationship. But while some fights will help you grow closer, other fights will leave wounds. The difference is in how you approach the fight. Shouting, name-calling, twisting words, or personal attacks generally don’t help you resolve the fight. When you feel like your partner isn’t looking to fix things, they’re just looking to hurt you – it may be time to take a step back. Here’s what one of your healthy boundaries may sound like: “I won’t stay in a conversation where there’s shouting. I’m going to leave the room. I’m happy to continue the conversation when we’ve both calmed down and we’re focused on resolving this again.”
Healthy Relationship Boundary #2: Commitment Goes Both Ways
This boundary is actually not just great for relationships – you can also use it in friendships. It’s about making time and energy for each other. If you’re together, you’ll want to spend time together. But – especially if you’re in an anxious-avoidant relationship dynamic – you may find yourself setting aside time to see your partner while they want to keep their options open or even cancel last-minute. No wonder you feel resentful if plans fall through! You could have spent your time on something fun! Here’s a boundary to consider: “I’m not going to sit around waiting. Until we’ve both confirmed a specific date/time, I may change my plans and do something else.” If your partner is canceling dates a lot, another great boundary might be: “I’m not going to set aside time to see you when I don’t know whether this time won’t be wasted. We can see each other last minute if I don’t have anything else going on.”
Note how in both of these healthy boundaries, you focus on reclaiming your own time and space!
Healthy Relationship Boundary #3: Not Your Therapist
If you love your partner, you’ll often do anything in your power to help them. Including supporting them as they’re going through things – whether it’s health issues, problems at work, or something else. The risk is that you end up taking on the role of your partner’s caretaker or therapist, eventually leading to burn out. Don’t let anyone tell you that supporting your partner means you don’t get to have healthy boundaries or practice self-care. Of course, you’ll want to be there for them, but you’re not their therapist! It’s okay to set boundaries about the care and support you’re willing to give.
Here’s what this type of boundary might sound like: “I may not be up for listening to your problems at any given moment. I’ll support you whenever I have the mind space for it. However, there will be times where I can’t be there for you.” Please note that healthy boundaries like these are not about abandoning your partner in their hour of need – it’s not a lack of wanting to make an effort. However, it’s important that you don’t bite off more than you can chew. Of course, you may also want to gently suggest your partner seeks support elsewhere, for instance with professionals who are able to offer on-demand support or peer support groups.
Healthy Boundaries Help You Stay Sane
One crucial thing to remember is that setting boundaries doesn’t make you uncaring. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again – boundaries are not selfish. Having boundaries does not mean you don’t love your partner (even if they may feel this way and may try to make you feel this way, too). They make sure your needs are fulfilled so you don’t end up resenting your partner.
New Boundary Course
Last year, we launched an extensive, self-paced boundary course that will teach your all about setting and enforcing boundaries in relationships. Check it out if you’re ready to invest in your boundary skills!
