9 years ago, I proudly proclaimed I didn’t want kids. Almost 8 years ago, I met my current partner and his amazing sons. These days, I’m a proud and happy bonus mom of two teens!
Being polyamorous and having kids isn’t always easy – for everyone involved. In this blog, we’re discussing 5 topics to consider when you’re already a parent and also want or have more than one partner.
- Polyamorous parents: in all fairness
- Introducing a new partner
- What’s the role of a new partner?
- How ‘out’ are you when kids are concerned?
- How do you deal with break-ups?
Polyamorous parents: in all fairness
When you’re a parent, childcare is pretty much your biggest responsibility, especially when your kids are still young. When it’s just you and your partner, you have – hopefully fair – agreements about childcare. Maybe you do some things and your partner does others, or you take turns taking care of your kids as the other partner works, or one of the parents contributes more in childcare and the other more in other areas, such as housekeeping and/or paid work.
If you’re the parent shouldering the majority of childcare (or at least most of the mental labor around childcare, meaning you’re the person who keeps track of what needs to happen when), it’s already pretty challenging to carve out time for yourself.
If you start exploring polyamory, this may lead to inequality – one parent schedules dates as they please, while the other doesn’t feel the space to do so because of the kids.
One thing you can do as polyamorous parents is make sure that each parent has an equal amount of time they can spend fully on themselves (basic needs like showering and sleeping not included). Then, each of you can decide whether to spend this time on hobbies or on dating.
In our polycule: When my partner and I just started dating, they each had 2 nights a week off to do whatever they pleased, with 2 other nights them being solely responsible for childcare as their partner was off to do their thing.
Tip: A regular check-in may help you make sure you’re still on the same page and no resentment is building.
(This blog doesn’t touch on the topic where a triad or other type of polycule all become parents together – that’s a separate topic!)
Introducing a new partner
As you start dating, new people might become an important part of your life. One question that will inevitably pop-up: when do you introduce a new partner to your kids?
The first thing to consider is whether your kids already know you’re polyamorous, or at what point you’d like them to know. Your choices here may depend on a whole bunch of considerations:
- Are your kids comfortable with the idea of polyamory in general? Young kids and kids who grow up in liberal communities tend to be more open to this than older kids who grow up in strict or conservative cultures.
- If for some reason it’s important for you to not be out (for instance because of your job), do you trust your children to be able to keep this a secret (and is it okay to ask them to keep this secret)?
If your kids don’t know you’re polyamorous, you may consider introducing your other partner as a (close) friend. However, keep in mind that if/when your kids discover there’s more to the story, especially if they’re older, this may make them trust you less.
Now if your kids do know you’re polyamorous, expectation management comes into play. Generally speaking, the question isn’t so much whether you introduce someone, it’s the expectations your kids will come to have of this person.
A good rule of thumb for polyamorous parents is to treat your kids as autonomous people who have a say in their own lives. Here’s what this may look like:
- Tell your kids about a new partner you’d like to introduce and ask them whether they are comfortable with this person being introduced to them. Don’t force an introduction – this would only breed resentment.
- Explain what impact the new partner is likely to have on your life and more importantly – the kids’ lives. For instance: “Taylor will join us for dinner and board games once a week” or “Lynn and I just started dating, but you might see them around sometimes when they pick me up.”
- Ask your kids for their opinion. “How do you feel about this?” And actually take their opinion into account. Yes, they are children, but imagine you’d suddenly have your life impacted by a new person you don’t get a say in! Sometimes, you’ll all need to compromise.
In our polycule: The kids already knew my partner and his spouse were polyamorous before he met me. He introduced me right after the first date and once I left asked how they felt about me. Generally, the kids are used to partners coming and going.
Tip: Hold space for whatever feelings your kids may have about a new partner. Being introduced to your parents’ new partner is not very different from being introduced to a metamour. Your kids may experience jealousy, resentment, or anxiety. That’s something you can work through together!
What’s the role of the new partner?
Generally speaking, when you just start dating, a new partner is just that – your new partner. They don’t have a relationship with the kids yet. As you get more serious, this might change, especially if your new partner is around a lot or even moves in with you.
Sometimes, you’ll find their role in the kids’ lives changes naturally. Other times, you’ll have to sit down and have a chat together. Does your partner get a say in what the kids are(n’t) allowed to do? Does your parent get to tell them to clean up after themselves or take it down a notch?
One approach to consider is separating social behavior from parenting – one doesn’t need to be a parent or parent-like figure to tell kids they need to take into account other people in the house (including guests). This type of involvement is generally how involved you could expect other people to be in public spaces. Parenting is a separate matter – it’s about the things that don’t really have anything to do with your new partner. Like homework, personal values, or chores.
If you and your new partner would like them to be more involved in parenting – don’t force it! Take into account how your kids feel about the situation. You can’t force a parent-child relationship. Wait until your kids are fully on board!
In our polycule: Initially, I’d only help out my partner. Maybe cook once in a while, or join for board games. The kids were very receptive to me being part of their lives, so this progressed to me eventually taking on the role of the bonus parent. These days, among other things, I’m the “evil” stepmom who is in charge of homework!
Tip: Sometimes, one-on-one time between your kids and a new partner may help them get to know this new person as a separate person, not just your partner.
Being ‘out’ when your kids are impacted
For a lot of polyamorous people, including polyamorous parents, it’s important to be who they are, wherever. They are proud of their life choices and they don’t want to hide them.
The moment a person is ‘out’ is something they choose for themselves. Outing other people when they aren’t ready isn’t fair and takes away autonomy.
While naturally, it’s your business whether you’re out about your relationships to others, you may consider how being out impacts your kids, especially if polyamory is frowned upon in the community they grow up in. After all, you don’t want your kid to be alienated, just because their friends (and those friends’ parents) know you’re capable of having multiple relationships.
Consider talking this over with your kids. Are they okay with people in their circle knowing their parents are ‘different’? How would they want to introduce your other partners?
You may also use this as a conversation starter about the importance of being yourself with others! Just don’t throw your kid in the deep water of navigating other people’s rejection because of your life choices without giving them the right tools to do so.
In our polycule: We’re very open about our lifestyle. However, these days the kids are in high school and they’re more cautious about sharing the ins and outs of our dynamics. I’d be introduced as their stepmom, and occasionally (when the mom wasn’t in the picture) even as their mom. This is something I’m leaving to the kids.
Tip: Have a conversation with your kids about what it means to be yourself around others, as well as the difference between fitting in and belonging.
How do you deal with breakups?
This is not really a polyamory problem. It’s more of a stepparent / new partner problem. Sometimes, you meet someone and they bond with your kids, and then you break-up. Now what?
This is a scenario that’s good to discuss in advance, before all kinds of emotions come into play.
All too often, after a breakup, the kids suddenly lose their connection to a person without having any say in this (or any closure, either).
Consider this: would your new partner want to stay in your kids’ lives after your relationship if that’s what your kids would want? And if not – what can you do to prevent your kids getting hurt for no reason?
If you didn’t have this conversation upfront and a new partner disappears from the kids’ lives, sit down with them and have a talk. How do they feel about not having this person in their lives anymore? What thoughts do they have about this subject? How can you help them navigate any complex emotions (possibly even feelings of guilt that kids tend to have when parents break up)?
In our polycule: After a year and a half or so, my partner and I broke up for the first time. His kids, especially the oldest one, was really sad to see me go. When my partner and I got back together, I said I only wanted us to try again with the explicit agreement that if we wouldn’t work out as a couple, I’d stay involved with the kids’ lives.
Tip: Dealing with people leaving is a normal part of being human. However, it may be very scary to bond with people if you depend on other people for this bond to continue. Don’t discard your kids’ connection to any new partners.
Final thoughts on polyamory in parenting
For polyamorous parents, there’s a lot to consider. The most important advice we have is to see your children as autonomous people that have a say in how your lifestyle impacts their lives. Keep talking. More importantly, keep listening. Don’t be afraid to compromise. You’ll likely make mistakes along the way (we sure did), but polyamory and parenting can be combined and when it works out – it’s so worth it!
