Have you ever had your partner cancelling dates because their other partner (your metamour) asked them to? You’re not alone! Many people who experience polyamory, especially when dating someone who is already in a committed, often nesting (and often previously closed) relationship, get hurt when their partners e.g.:
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- Cancel dates to please their other partners
- Cancel dates to avoid their other partner’s mental breakdown
- Limit physical intimacy with you (for instance not going all the way because their other partner is still getting used to the situation)
- Limit what activities are okay for you two to do together
- Spend hours on the phone while on a date with you to manage their other relationship
The list goes on and on…
Even if you have the best intentions, it’s only a matter of time before you start resenting your metamour. Why are they making your life so damn difficult? And more importantly: what can you do about it?
Metamour problems? Partner problems!
If you ask this question online, for instance on /r/polyamory or in a FB group, you’ll inevitably get the same answer:
“It’s not a meta problem, it’s a partner problem.”
What does this mean?
Simply put, while each of you chooses polyamory, you didn’t all choose each other. You have a relationship with your partner (and possibly other partners). Your partner also has a different relationship (this makes your partner the hinge).
Your partner’s other partner doesn’t choose to be in a relationship with you (nor should they), and you don’t choose to be in a relationship with them. And this means, as harsh as this may sound, that you don’t owe each other anything.
Now your partner is a different matter. Your partner has relationship agreements, goals, responsibilities, etc, towards each of you. And it’s your partner’s responsibility to:
- Honor promises and agreements made to partners
- Renegotiate agreements that no longer work for them
- Avoid conflicting agreements
If this sounds hard, it’s because it is. Your partner wouldn’t be the first person to fall head-over-heels with a new partner, without asking themselves whether the new connection is even compatible with their existing dynamics. This doesn’t make your partner a bad person, but it may make them a poor hinge.
Tip 1: Don’t blame your metamour for having different needs
Your metamour’s behavior might feel like they don’t care about your relationship. The truth is – odds are they don’t, or if they do, they care less about your relationship than their own. If you feel harmed by their actions, keep in mind that usually their actions are focused on having their own needs met, not on hurting you. In the end, your metamour has no responsibilities towards you. Your partner does. Your metamour gets to have their needs and advocate for them. From then, it’s up to your partner to make sure they find a balance.
Tip 2: Keep the responsibility for problems where it belongs
If your partner isn’t capable of managing both relationships, you and/or your metamour may want to solve this all by yourself. You may think it’s a great idea to sit down together and make agreements that work for all of you.
Before you do, consider the following.
First of all, if you take on this responsibility, your partner essentially no longer has to do their job of managing their relationships. While this may work for short instances of time (for instance when your partner is going through something), usually it will only leave you more frustrated and resentful down the line.
Second, your metamour and you likely have conflicting needs (otherwise, there wouldn’t be a conflict in the first place). By engaging in this conversation, you’re suddenly inviting a third person in *your* relationship with your partner. That’s a lot of pressure! They may feel like they shouldn’t voice their needs because it conflicts with your relationship or the other way around. And any conflicts between you and your metamour (for whatever reason) might start impacting your relationship.
Yes, managing your polycule with your metamour will feel good as long as things work out. But the moment they don’t, this responsibility will suddenly be falling on you. Ask yourself if that’s something you want.
Instead of trying to do your partner’s job, focus on uncovering, communicating and protecting your own boundaries.
Tip 3: Protect your peace of mind
Even if your partner’s other relationship is downright abusive, in the end it’s still their relationship to manage. You can support them, of course, and if you have mental bandwidth to spare maybe offer them some resources, but it’s not your job to make sure their other relationship is working. It’s also not your responsibility to make sure “they see the light and leave”.
One important thing to remember is that you don’t have to just accept any problems from the other relationship that spill over into yours. You get to have your boundaries and relationships that work for you.
The beautiful thing about having boundaries in your relationship is that you don’t depend on your partner or metamour to enforce them. You can empathize with your partner and still be clear with them about the things you’re (not) willing to accept. And when the things you’re not willing to accept happen in your relationship, you get to enforce your boundaries in whatever way you see fit, regardless of whether your metamour makes things difficult.
