Autism and/or ADHD and polyamory often go hand in hand. That’s not a coincidence. Autistic and ADHD folks are less inclined to follow the traditional ways of doing things, especially if the main reasons for doing so are ‘just because’ or ‘this is how we’ve always done things’. So it’s not surprising that many neurodivergent folks also choose their own path when it comes to love and shaping their intimate relationships. In this blog series, I’m exploring several different ways Autism/ADHD may show up in your polyamorous relationship.
(Throughout the text, I may use autism, ADHD and AuDHD interchangeably. While autism and ADHD are not the same thing, there is quite a big overlap in autistic and ADHD folks, so it’s sometimes hard to determine whether it’s one or the other that manifests a certain way.)
Autonomy in Polyamory
If there’s one thing ADHD and autistic people value highly, it’s autonomy. Autonomy means you get to make decisions about your own life. Life isn’t forced upon you, you’re in charge. Polyamory helps you do this, because – especially in non-hierarchic dynamics – whether or not you can pursue a love interest is no longer determined by your relationship status or partner, you’re the one to decide.
The shadow side of autonomy may be disregard for others’ needs or consequences. When you’re practicing polyamory, you do get to say whom you’re dating and in what way. But this power also means responsibility. Take stock of your current commitments (romantic and otherwise) – do you even have the space to date this amazing new person? And if you don’t, but you’d like to anyway – what does this mean for your existing commitments? Great hinge partners are skilled at managing their partners’ expectations in a compassionate way.
Autonomy vs predictability
Autonomy is a corner stone of polyamorous relationships, but many – and especially autistic – people also value predictability and routine. This can be pretty tricky: one partner may feel the need to know what to expect while the other just wants to go with the flow. This may be especially challenging with new connections. When your partner just met someone, you may feel a strong need to know how the relationship is developing. If you’re nesting, you might want to know what time your partner gets home after a date. Meanwhile, your partner wants the freedom to just roll with it – go on a date, see how it goes, maybe sleep over, maybe get home after one drink.
Having been on both sides of this dynamic, here are my tips for coping, with the key word being compassion.
As the partner who has a need for stability:
- Acknowledge your partner’s autonomy and ability to make their own decisions. I like to acknowledge my partner’s autonomy to myself, but also to him. I want him to know I’m not trying to control him, and that he’s not responsible for managing my emotions, even though help is greatly appreciated.
Experiment with coping mechanisms for moments of insecurity. Some things that help me:- Sitting with my feelings. I’m generally an anxious person, and feeling what the anxiety does to my body also helps me breathe through it and acknowledge that these feelings are just that – feelings.
- Build a support network. I have several friends I can always reach out to when I’m feeling low. This helps me from taking out all of my emotions on my partner.
- Getting a solid distraction. Here, hyperfocus comes into play. I try to have some passion projects handy. Sometimes, even a great book will help. It might take me a bit to start, but once I do, I often forget all about the time.
- Ask your partner if it’s okay to check in at some point to get a sense for how the night will turn out. For instance, if my partner goes to parties, I generally ask him to shoot me a quick text once the party is over to let me know whether he’s coming home, going to an afterparty, or going home with someone else. If he’s not coming home, I generally ask him to send me a message sometime the following morning or early afternoon to manage my expectations a bit. We have this particular agreement because it works for both of us – it helps me have a sense of stability, and my partner doesn’t feel like this curbs his freedom.
As the person who has the need to explore:
- Remember that your partner having strong feelings doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. You’re not responsible for managing their feelings, but it might help if you keep in mind they didn’t exactly choose their brain wiring either. You can be compassionate without taking over their responsibility for managing their emotions.
- Stay honest. You may feel scared of your partner’s response, and this might prompt you to lie to your partner or purposefully omit certain information. Note I’m not talking about privacy here, I’m talking about sharing information like whether you’re dating other people, or other information you have an agreement about. (For instance, my partner and I have an agreement that we tell each other if one of us has had unsafe sex.)
- Help your partner out if you can. What are some things you could do that wouldn’t hurt your autonomy, but might help your partner feel more stable? My example about checking in above might also work for you, or you might find something else. When you do, please keep in mind the privacy of other people – your partner may feel safer reading every message on your phone, but other people sending you private information might not be okay with your partner seeing it.
The PDA Profile in Polyamory
You may have heard of the autistic PDA profile. In the pathological framework, PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance. Neurodivergence-affirming folks prefer calling it Persistent Drive for Autonomy. People with PDA may feel a very strong resistance against anything that feels like a demand. Depending on the level of PDA this might mean the moment you ask your partner to send you a text, they experience it as a demand, making them instantly push against it. Or, in a more extreme scenario, even when you’re just acknowledging your partner doing something positive (“Thanks for reassuring me yesterday”), this may already be a trigger for them to stop doing this in the future.
If you’re the one with a PDA profile, polyamory presents an extra challenge: it may be easy to instantly focus on less-demanding relationships, while partners you consider more demanding are left behind. This may work if your partners are fine with this dynamic, but may also really hurt people who expected you to commit to them the way they commit to you. Talking to each other goes a long way in establishing what you’re willing to offer as a partner.
