How to Add a Third Person to Your Relationship?

If you’re part of a couple and the two of you would like a third person to your relationship, you’re not alone. Probably one of the most-asked questions in polyamory communities online is how to go about finding a third person to add to an existing relationship.

When you do this, you may get some helpful tips, but often also a lot of criticism. You may have encountered the phrase ‘unicorn hunting’. And now, you may even wonder if it’s okay to be part of a triad at all.

In this article, we’ll discuss the difference between triads and unicorn hunting, as well as topics to consider for (and discuss with) anyone involved.

The difference between a triad and a threesome

First of all, let’s get clear on the difference between a triad and a threesome. A threesome is an intimate / sexual encounter between three people (of whatever genders). A triad is a romantic relationship that involves three people. In practice, many people will argue that a triad is more than one relationship, and we’ll get back to that in a bit.

You may have also encountered the word throuple (made popular by amongst others the popular Netflix show You, Me, Her). In a Reddit-poll, 80% said they preferred the word ‘triad’ over ‘throuple’. In comments, you’ll read things like ‘I strongly dislike “throuple” because it’s too couple-centric’ and ‘a really gross way of saying triad, made popular by inexperienced polyam folks who inaccurately think that a triad is just “couple + one”’.

Couple + One: What’s unicorn hunting and what’s wrong with it?

You may wonder how a triad is different from ‘a couple + one’. Isn’t it literally a couple adding a third person? It can be, and yet it’s not (or not always). When a couple decides they want to add a third person to the mix, the assumption is that this third person is dating both people, the couple. Of course, nobody is really dating couples. People are dating other people. Those people may or may not be part of a couple, but a couple is just a concept (and as such cannot date).

When you’re positioning yourself as a couple, you create a power disbalance: on one hand, there’s the couple, and on the other hand there is the new person. The couple becomes a sort of untouchable entity, while the relationships the new person has with the members of the couple are of a lesser importance or priority. This results in hierarchy: not all people involved in the relationship have equal power.

If you’re wondering whether this applies to you, ask yourself the following questions:

• Would it be okay for one of the members of the couple to end the relationship, while the other person continues the relationship with the new person? And would it be okay for the new person to end one of the relationships, but continue the other, or are both relationships a package deal?
• Are there any things the couple is allowed to do together without involving the new person? If so – is the new person also allowed to do these things with only one person in the couple (either one, depending on the new person’s preference) if they choose so?

If you’ve answered ‘no’ to either of these questions, it’s likely that your triad will be couple-centered. In polyamory, couples who look for this type of dynamic are often referred to as unicorn hunters. In practice, unicorn hunters are often a man and a woman, looking for a bisexual woman, the unicorn. Why is this person called a unicorn? Because it’s quite rare to find a third person who is fine with this arrangement.

What’s couple privilege?

Apart from intended hierarchy, adding a third person to an existing couple almost always results in couple privilege. Couple privilege refers to everything the couple over the connection the new person has with one of the persons in the pre-existing relationship. Many of these things are based on subconscious habits (like – who do you call first when you’ve got important news to share), and some are even outside of the triad’s control (your mother inviting your first partner, but not your new partner, to a family outing).

What’s OPP (One Penis Policy)?

Sometimes, polyamorous people in general, and particularly unicorn hunters, also implement a one-penis-policy. This is an agreement/rule that states there may only be one man (usually a cis-man) involved, but multiple (often cis-)women. A One Penis Policy is enforced because the penis owner in question fears his position. Arguments that are often used in this scenario are either cultural/religious/spiritual (such as ‘it’s natural for a man to be with multiple women, but not for a woman to be with multiple men’) or centered around the bisexuality of the women involved (‘you can have sex with other women only, and so can I’ – naturally this is not restricting the heterosexual man who wouldn’t want a relationship with other man either way, but it is restricting the woman). 

Can a triad be a positive experience?

We’ve asked our followers about their experiences with being in a triad. The answering options: “Yes, I have a good experience”, “Yes, I have a bad experience”, “No, but I’d like to”, “No, and I wouldn’t want to”. Out of 53 answers, about half the people have experienced being part of a triad. A bit more than half of them had a good experience. So yes, triads can certainly work. How do you make sure yours does, too? 

 Not all unicorns mind

As you read this, you may ask yourself whether it’s possible to find a unicorn at all. If this is what you’re set on, the answer is yes. Not everyone minds being in a dynamic where they have less power, and here’s some examples:

• Many unicorns have other relationships going on. The triad is a low-stake relationship for them – if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. They may not mind the couple privilege, because they are part of a different dyad themselves.
• Apart from other relationships, many unicorns may not mind this dynamic if the relationship is low-stake for some other reason (for instance, they have a lot going on in terms of their family or work).
• Some unicorns may have unresolved traumas that make them prefer a relationship where they have less power, for instance because of previous abusive relationships or their upbringing. Please be aware of the fact that if you knowingly engage in a relationship with someone who accepts being treated unfairly because of their past, you’re taking advantage and essentially scratch the word ‘ethical’ from ethical non-monogamy.
• Apart from enthusiastic consent, some unicorns will agree to this dynamic because they don’t want to lose their relationship with one or both people in the triad. If that’s you, we’d love to encourage you to consider strengthening your relationship with yourself and your boundaries, so you no longer have to consent to relationships that don’t meet your needs.

Generally speaking, if the unicorn’s needs match what the couple has to offer, the dynamic may work. However, since the relationship dynamic is couple-centered and people’s needs tend to change, the relationship may not last as long as it would otherwise.

Forming an equal triad

Now if you’re reading this, you may have realized that this is not what you want. You don’t want a third person to suppress your own needs, be treated differently than the way you treat your current partner, or not commit fully because they don’t want to get hurt. So what do you do?

You make sure you’re on the same page (our Polyamory Conversation Cards may help with that!)

You deconstruct the existing couple. There are excellent resources available online, and one of the most-referred to is the article ‘The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship’.

You work on becoming independent people, no longer a couple.

You start dating. Individually. Without giving each other veto power or asking for permission to date specific people. Without the expectation of forming a triad.

If you’re using a dating app, you create your own, individual dating profile. You date people you like. You don’t present yourself as a package deal. After all, you’re no longer part of a package. You’re your own unique person.

And then… it might just so happen that one of you ends up dating someone, and this person is into both of you, and you’re both into this person. And you form a triad.

You’ll still have to deconstruct couple privilege. But there won’t be inherent, intended hierarchy.

It’s no longer ‘new person dating couple’. It’s ‘You and the new person dating each other’, ‘You and your existing partner dating each other’, ‘Your existing partner and the new person dating each other’, ‘A dynamic that involves all three of you at the same time’. That’s why polyamorous people often say that a triad isn’t just one relationship, it’s four: three dyad relationships, and one relationship with three people.

Don’t forget about informed consent

If you want to practice polyamory or any other type of relationship consciously, a very important part is informed consent. Informed consent means everybody has all the information they need to make a decision. No information is kept from them to influence what they decide.

This is equally or even more important when forming a triad, especially if you’re looking for a unicorn.

Don’t pretend there is no hierarchy or couple privilege just because you want the new person to date you. Be honest about the things you have to offer. Be equally honest (and explicit) about the things you’re not willing to offer. Yes, this might scare some people off, but you’ll avoid dating people under false premises. Don’t forget: consent that’s given based on wrong or incomplete information isn’t true, informed consent.

Topics to discuss

As you’re forming a new triad, whether organically or because the two of you are looking for a unicorn, or even because the two of you stumbled on a unicorn by accident, and are now figuring out what to do next, you’ll have a lot of conversations coming up. Here are some topics worth considering:

• Is your relationship open or closed? Are some of you also dating outside of the triad (or might do so in the future)?
• Are there any restrictions on what two people in the triad can do together without the third person?
• How will you make sure each of the individual relationships is nurtured?
• What agreements do you want around privacy & sharing of what’s happened between two people with the third person?
• What would happen if two people want to break up with each other (but not with the third person)?
• What does the outside world get to know about (the existence of) your triad?

Keep communicating. Be honest with yourselves and each other. Most importantly, allow each of you the flexibility to discover what works and what doesn’t.

If you’re looking for more guidance in having conversations with each other, our Polyamory Conversation Cards are a great place to start! They’ll take you through topics like emotional security, sexuality, communication, and practical matters.