Is Hierarchy in Polyamory a Good Idea?

So, you want to practice hierarchical polyamory…

What it means, what it doesn’t, and the implications for everyone involved

When it comes to polyamory, there is no one blueprint for how it’s done. You’ll have to figure out what kind of relationships make sense to you and what boundaries/agreements you need to make them successful. And one of the questions you’ll need to answer for yourself is: how do you feel about hierarchy?

What is hierarchy in polyamory?

Many people define hierarchy in polyamory as ‘some relationships are more important than others’. This importance may be expressed in living arrangements, being open to the outside world, financial arrangements, and the amount of time spent together.

In practice, you’ll find that if this is your take on hierarchy, it’s close to impossible to have non-hierarchical relationships. After all, every relationship you have is bound to be different (and will evolve over time) and it’s incredibly hard to divide all of your time, energy, and resources equally.

A more practical view of hierarchal polyamory is that in this type of polyamory, some relationships have more power than other relationships.

An example: Ally may have a say over how much time Bee and Connor get to spend together (while Connor doesn’t have a say in how much Ally and Bee get to spend together). Ally might even have a veto over Bee’s partners, meaning she can say Bee’s not allowed to date certain people.

Why practice hierarchy?

As with all types of hierarchy, hierarchy usually appeals most to the ones it benefits – the ones at the top of the hiearchy. There are several reasons for people to practice hierarchy, such as:

1. They are part of a couple that decides to open up / explore polyamory, and they employ hierarchy to protect the pre-existing relationship. Sometimes, the couple even practices polyamory from the start, but still chooses hierarchy to protect their connection.
2. They agree to hierarchy as a way to help their primary partner feel more secure, sometimes as a condition to exploring polyamory.
3. They don’t know how to practice non-hierarchical polyamory with a nesting partner and assume that hierarchy is their only option.
4. They interpret being secondary as lower-commitment, which may be a better fit for their needs. We’ll look at that in a bit.
5. They are stuck in a ‘take it or leave it’ situation where they agree to be a secondary out of fear of otherwise losing their relationship.

It’s not about (un)equal love

Some people will argue that they practice non-hierarchy because they love their partners equally. Hierarchy is not about the way love is divided, but about the amount of power people have. As such, it’s perfectly possible to love everyone equally yet still engage in hierarchy.

Primary partners, anchor partners, nesting partners

Just because you share your household with one or more partners, doesn’t mean you have to be hierarchical. Just picture roommates living together – usually, a person’s roommate doesn’t have a say in that person’s friendships or relationships.

So, to clarify:

A primary partner is a partner who has more power over your other relationships than the other way around.

A romantic partner you live with is your nesting partner – the person you build a nest with.

You can have primary partners with whom you’re not nesting, as well as nesting partners who aren’t your primary partner.

Usually, primary partners are also anchor partners. An anchor partner is the core partner in the sense that it’s the person you rely on most when building a life together.

An anchor partner may or may not be a primary partner, and may or may not (though usually is) a nesting partner.

What’s important to take away from this all is that the intensity or level of commitment in a relationship don’t have to be tied to hierarchy. You can have a partner with lots of commitment without being a primary, and you can have a partner with very low commitment needs without being a secondary.

The downsides of hierarchy

If you’re high in the hierarchy tree, hierarchy may serve you as it protects the power you have in your relationship. Apart from that, whether you’re the one with more power or the one with less power, hierarchy also has some important downsides.

If you’re the one with more power, hierarchy sounds like a solution to all of your problems. In practice, it often breeds resentment.

If Bee wants to do things in his relationship with Chris that are impossible because of his primary relationship with Ally, he might resent Ally for it. Ally, on the other hand, may feel like Bee is only committing to her because of the rules/agreements in place, rather than free will.

While the hierarchy will protect the structure, it won’t protect the connection.

(Another disadvantage for those having a primary partner: potential new partners who favor autonomy are less likely to be interested in being a part of this dynamic).

If you’re the one with less power, generally speaking there are no advantages to practicing hierarchy. If you’re looking for a low-commitment type of connection, you can have one without others exercising power over your relationship.

When does hierarchy work best?

With that said, there is one type of dynamic where hierarchy tends to work fairly well. It’s when everyone involved has a primary relationship of their own.

A dynamic with two couples: Jenny & Matthew, and Laura & Nina. Jenny and Matthew are primaries, so are Laura & Nina. Jenny & Laura have a secondary relationship. Although their relationship is influenced by their primary relationships, they are both fine with it.

Note that in this exact dynamic, they may still want to choose non-hierarchy. It’s not that hierarchy is the better choice, it’s that the hierarchy may not cause issues it would otherwise.

The importance of being open

In the end, there is no right or wrong way to practice polyamory. Whatever you choose though, it’s important to take into account the possible consequences. And possibly even more important – knowing yourself and your preferences will help you be open with your (potential) partners so everyone can choose what works for them.

If you want to make sure you have the right conversations, grab one of our Polyamory Conversation Card decks with almost 50 conversation prompts!