If you’re researching polyamory, you’ll often come across a curious word: compersion. And while you may pronounce it similar to comparison, it’s anything but. In this blog, we explore the meaning of compersion, whether you need it to have a successful polyamorous relationship, and whether it’s something you can develop.
What does compersion mean?
In polyamory slang, having or feeling compersion means feeling joy when your other partner is enjoying themselves with someone else. We use compersion to describe seeing your partner with their other partner, but you could also feel it about your partner having a good time with friends. Putting it simply, it’s the opposite of jealousy: ‘yeah, cute’ rather than ‘yeah, lousy’.
Can I practice polyamory if I don’t feel it?
Many people who try polyamory feel confused: “I’m not feeling compersion! What is wrong? Am I not cut out for polyamory? Should I be feeling compersion?”
Some people believe compersion is the ultimate goal of polyamory: everyone gets along, everyone is happy, and everyone enjoys seeing their partners with other people. But compersion is not a requirement for successful polyamory. In fact, even if you feel jealousy, you can still have fulfilling polyamorous relationships.
Feeling compersion is a bit like the cherry on top of the polyamory cake. It’s obviously a great feeling, but there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t feel compersion. It’s fun, not mandatory.
What’s more, it’s actually the other way around. If you want to be successful at polyamory, it’s really important that you also become okay with not feeling compersion. There will be times when your partner is doing things that might make you jealous, or even times when your partner is out and about while you’re having a hard time. That’s why it’s so important in polyamory to manage your own feelings and sit with hard feelings. If you don’t, you’ll likely resent your partner for your own discomfort, which almost always leads to issues.
Is compersion something you can learn/develop?
What if you work long and hard enough? Will you be able to teach yourself to feel compersion? Well… yes, and no.
In essence, compersion is a feeling of abundance. When your needs are met and you believe they will continue to be, you feel like you have ‘partner to spare’. You feel like you have more than enough and the others are welcome to the surplus. This isn’t necessarily related to the quantity or quality of your relationship with your partner. Rather, it’s about the needs you have and how they are met. Someone who only sees their partner once a month, but has an otherwise fulfilling life and feels like their partner treats them well and will continue to do so, might feel compersion. When you’re overwhelmed and secretly (or overtly) feel the need for more in your relationship, you’ll have a hard time watching your partner give away their time, energy and other resources to others.
What does this mean for you?
It certainly won’t help if you push yourself to feel more compersion. More like the opposite: you’ll only get more frustrated about the mismatch between your actual feelings and the feelings you’d like to feel. And unfortunately, frustration doesn’t really help with feeling abundant.
On the other hand, if you don’t feel compersion, you may take it as a sign of either unmet needs or a fear of this happening in the future. In working through these feelings, you may find ways to meet your needs, giving you more room to feel compersion.
One important note: having your needs met doesn’t always mean a change in your relationship with the partner in question. Maybe you could meet some of the needs with friends, with other partners, or even by yourself.
In my experience, it’s the self-sufficient people who feel compersion most. In that sense, you can certainly work on your feelings by investing in your relationship with yourself.
Of course, if you want a better shot at having your needs met (and just want to improve the relationship with your partner(s)), our Polyamory Conversation Cards could be a (excuse the pun) gamechanger, check them out!
